Trials

"There's nothing written in the Bible, Old or New Testament, that says 'If you believe in Me, you ain't going to have no troubles'" -Ray Charles

Well this has been a difficult week as all the weight of the last couple months has come down on my soul. I've been surviving lately but it has been rough. I've only gotten 7 days of extra work since Huge wrapped on July 16th. That means I worked more in those 2+ weeks at the beginning of July than I have since then.

I feel adrift sometimes. I don't know what to do. On one hand, things are really slow. But on the other hand, there are dozens of shows shooting right now and things could turn around in an instance. So I endure. I put my head down and endure.

But that's not good enough. So much of this is out of my hands but the feeling of helplessness doesn't work for me. I'm not about to sit here and say, "Well, hope something works out before I'm completely broke." That attitude makes me lazy. That attitude makes me weak. And that attitude is going to end this adventure if I let it. I am going to start trying to be more proactive.

Up til now I've kind of sat back and let my calling service book me. It's worked more or less, but the last couple months it has most definitely not worked. Not at all. I don't need much, just a couple days of work each week. How many people can subside on 2-3 days of work/week? But they are dropping the ball and I am done. If they can't do it, I will.

I've heard it said that God puts barriers in our way to see how much we want something. I think he puts barriers in our way so WE can see how much we want something. What I want is to stay in Hollywood. And I'm not going to fail.

There, now that we have that out of the way, I can tell you a little more about what's up. I just got home from 10 days at home. I got to see my brother play football, I got to watch the Gophers try to play football and I got to see and do most everything I had hoped. I have plans to edit together a little video about my trip and the surprising of my brother and sister (who did not know I was coming) and I will have that up here just as soon as I get my camera cord mailed back to me (apparently getting my camera cord back into my bag before I left was NOT on my to do list).

But yea, this has been a tough week overall. Not only am I not catching any breaks, it seems like all my friends are. So many of my friends from Huge got booked this week (and on union work no less) and one of my LAFSC friends got a huge promotion. It's great for them and I'm really happy for them. Really I am. But at the same time there is this little voice in the back of my head that says "What about me? Where's my good fortune?" and it ruins it. Why can't I be purely happy for someone with no other thoughts just because I'm going through a rough time? I feel like a bad friend and it makes me feel worse.

This post is kind of bi-polar but that's good because I kind of feel that way right now. I bounce between cautious hope and optimism and mild depression several times a day right now. I feel like even a single day of work could boost my spirits (I haven't had a day of extra work since August 29th) and maybe break me out of this funk, but who knows.

I keep focusing on Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

I always come back to this. God brought me out here, He will provide for me. It's somewhat comforting but it doesn't make it any easier. Keep me in your prayers.