It's that time of year again. The weather has gotten a bit chillier. The leaves have begun to change (finally!). Football season is half over (already!?). And everywhere I look are reminders of the Holiday season that is now being thrust upon us. Meanwhile, my heart breaks every day.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. First I should explain some things about living two thousand miles from family. I come from a close knit family. We get along well and genuinely love each other. So after seeing my family on an almost weekly basis for the better part of the last twenty five years (and to a somewhat lesser extent, friends I've known just a fraction of that time), suddenly going months at a time away from them becomes very emotionally taxing. I feel every mile. It feels like I'm hungry, but in my soul instead of my gut.
Most of the time, the easiest way to cope with it is to push it to the back of my mind. Just don't think about it. It's not a good solution. It's not a solution at all really. Isolating myself more just makes me feel further away when the feelings do break through (which they always do). But it's a band aid and it makes the hurt less. They're out of sight, might as well keep them out of mind (though to be clear, I still usually talk to my family several times a week. I just use this technique for the times in between).
Except this time of year. Every colored leaf on the ground. Every turkey in a shop window. Every disturbingly premature Christmas decoration. They are all acute reminders of the family and friends I miss so far from here. My mind is abruptly pulled out of my own world and into the world I left behind when I made the leap to Los Angeles two years ago.
I suppose that's kind of the point really. There is probably no season of the year that has so many traditions associated with it. From big things like opening presents on Christmas morning, to little things like a leaf or snowflake on the ground, there is no avoiding the memories and feelings we've come to associate with each. And, of course, that is the point of traditions in the first place.
For many, this is what makes the next two months their favorite time of year. The happy feelings associated with every song, every holly branch. The general feeling of nostalgia and good will that is so prevalent at this time of year. And good for them. I envy that. I just get homesick. It isn't an entirely bad thing. But the word "sick" is in there for a reason.
Loneliness is a near constant companion this time of year, even in the midst of a group of friends, and I try my best not to think about it. I don't even like talking about this now, as I am basically bathing in my loneliness just by writing this. So I'm sorry to anyone reading this for not staying in touch better than I do. Now you know why. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. I guess that's all I'm really trying to say.
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