Fighting My Inner Saboteur

The biggest challenge I face in my writing is fighting my Inner Saboteur. His cousin Inner Critic and I have plenty of issues we're working through ourselves, but I recognize his value. The Inner Critic can be constructive if you learn when to listen to him. Many a bad joke or poorly phrased line of dialogue has been thrown out thanks to his advice.

My Inner Saboteur, on the other hand, does just what you'd expect. Usually, it's just a matter of willing myself past distractions and delusions he throws in my way. But I have identified an area of my life where he may still hold the upper hand.

My screenwriting teacher at LAFSC had a saying, "Thinking about writing isn't writing, only writing is writing." In this case, he specifically means "pages". That is to say, if I'm not writing pages of my script, I'm not really writing (it's also worth noting he suggested that we must spend 5-10 hours a day "writing" to be real writers). I struggled with this adage for many, many months. While it sounds good at first, I have to fundamentally disagree with it in every way. I put dozens of hours of prep work into my writing. And yes, some of that prep work is done in my mind, some by jotting notes or saving text message drafts with short notes (I currently have about 60 text messages saved in my drafts for just this purpose). But there is a reason for it (just like there is a reason for this tangent about my screenwriting prof). It's because when I put something to page in written form, it's very tangible and real and very hard to change. It cements the idea in my mind. In college, I'd literally study for tests by copying my notes by hand (at least for classes where the info didn't quite stick the first time I wrote those notes, which was only a handful of classes). The connection between my hand and my brain has always been strong like that.

While I've come to grips with that saying, which drove me a little nuts for about 2 months during my time at LAFSC (does homework for other classes count as writing!? I shouldn't be eating, I should be writing! yes, those were actual thoughts I had), it brings me around to my original topic. While writing down notes and ideas really has a way of cementing something in my mind, nothing quite cements to me like script pages. Once those words hit the page, they begin to quickly dry in that shape. Now I don't necessarily mean dialogue and action lines and things like that. I mean mostly the story structure, the plot points and the order the story unfolds. Once I start writing something as the first page, it's very difficult for me to displace that scene from page 1 no matter how many rewrites I attempt.

And here is where the Inner Saboteur strikes me hardest. For the last several days I've been essentially ready to start writing script pages on my new spec script...and gotten nothing done. I haven't even started a document for it. In fact, this Inner Saboteur is so effective that he keeps me from even thinking about the script at all. I forget all about it for hours at a time. And this isn't something new. It has prevented my progress with every script I've ever written (admittedly, still a small sampling).

And yet, perhaps there is good to be gleaned from the Inner Saboteur as well. My delay has helped me to delve deeper into my story and really flesh it out. Maybe the Inner Saboteur knows of my cementing nature and works to prevent me from jumping into a story before it is ready. I made several breakthroughs tonight that made this script make a lot more sense (one whole storyline was very vaguely drawn up and wasn't working for days of preparation and meditation).

My awareness gives me the upper hand. Knowing what I'm fighting makes it easier to fight. Knowing that I'm fighting makes it easier to fight. But that's the value of deadlines. Having contests to submit this script to gives me a back end and keeps me focused. Procrastinators need a deadline or they'd put things off forever. Mine is just two months away. It's been fun, and a little enlightening Saboteur, but it's time to get back to work.

What have you been up to?

While I've enjoyed posting some of my prose on this blog, it has come to my attention that I haven't told you anything new about what I've been up to in the meantime. A long meantime.

Towards the end of January I had the privilege of joining my family in Arizona for an extended weekend trip to visit my grandparents. It had been about 10 years since we visited them there (they spend most of the year in MN so it's not like I haven't seen them during that time). It was a wonderful experience for me, who is always facing a shortage of family time. We had In N Out, went to a flea market, went hiking and just all around had a good time relaxing and enjoying some rare time together. I also got to see my friend Thomas Finn, who is going to school in Arizona. So that was pretty great too. It was a nice break for me coming off my big rewrite for "Beat" and helped me recharge to dive back into it when I got back to California.

Which is exactly what I did. I've finished 2 more rewrites since I've returned and it keeps getting better. But it wasn't long after I got back that my friend Tim Van De Walker came to visit for two weeks! It was a long visit but Tim is making plans to move to Burbank himself in the next couple months (possibly as early as April 1st) and so it was mostly a functional trip, as opposed to vacation. It is always nice to have Tim around and I am very excited for his impending move.

Not 2 days after I put Tim on a plane back to Minnesota, my mom and sister made their (now) annual pilgrimage to Burbank. It was barely more than a month since I'd seen them in Arizona but it was very good to have them here. As I said before, I am always lacking on family time and this was a wonderful treat anytime of year. My mom makes more money these days than when she was home raising us kids so she seems intent on spoiling me like she never was able to when I was little :)

All in all it's been a good couple of months. No where near enough work still but I've come to terms with it for now and am trying to make the best of it by focusing on writing. I'm on pace to submit my pilot to a contest early next month and I've begun work on a "Modern Family" spec script for contest submission to several contests starting in May. Obviously winning any of those contests would be a huge boon to my career, but I am fully aware that it's more of a crapshoot and not much of a valid career path. But I figure if I have a shot at advancing my career, might as well take that shot, right?

They say that everyone in this town gets their shot at a big break sometime. The problem is that most people aren't ready for it when it comes and miss out. I'm just trying my best to be ready for it, if it ever comes along. If I don't win those contests, I'll still have 2 half hour, single camera comedy scripts (one original and one spec) that will make for a nice pairing if I want to try to get representation. That is also probably a long shot, but no harm in throwing out some lines to see what I can catch.

That more or less sums up the biggest stuff that I've had going on the last two months. I'm nearly finished with "Beat" (good thing too, the contest deadline is in a month) and I'm hoping to start focusing exclusively on my Modern Family spec in the next couple of days. I won't have a terribly long time to work on it and it's the one I'll be submitting to the most contests, so pray for inspiration.

p.s. For those not "down with the lingo", in the TV world, a "spec script" is where you write a script for an existing show to show you can imitate the voice of that show and its characters. It's "on spec" which means you won't be paid for it (and it will never actually be made) but it is an integral part of a writer's portfolio if they want to get into television writing.

More thoughts on love

Mankind's capacity for selfishness doesn't interest me. I am all too familiar with the vile thing. I need not look any further than my most secret desires to confirm that man is, in his natural state, inherently and passionately selfish.

No what interests me, and is by far the worthier study, is man's capacity for love. It is all at once the most natural and most foreign thing to man's fundamental nature. The boundaries of love are still undiscovered by mankind and it's true abilities are still not fully understood. I don't believe there is a man born capable of such exploration.

Love conquers and heals. It terrifies and comforts. It's universal, yet deeply, deeply personal. It's a paradox worthy of the greatest mind, yet understood by an infant. Surely there is nothing greater in the whole of existence.

So why should a man dwell on the bile when he can seek after the transcendent? Why tell self indulgent stories of vice when the unexplored country lies beyond? While art is meant to show us who we are, perhaps the greatest art is meant to yearn after mankind's great potential. I, for one, prefer the latter.

It's 2 a.m....

It's 2 a.m. I lay in bed, my heart pounding in my chest like the steady, easy pace of a stampede. Can I sleep? Should I even try? It is, perhaps, in this witching hour, that my pen can truly fly unfettered.

They say that love is a many splendored thing. But as with any unquantifiably beautiful thing, it holds the sinister notion of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear that love will be everything the poets wrote about...and that you are a wretched and undeserving thing.

But perhaps this is love's greatest achievement. Love doesn't conquer those fears, but rather turns them into trifles. Childish ghost stories, no more threatening than the mysterious wraiths that once haunted our nursery. Nothing more now, than shadows on a wall and laughter at the ignorance of youth.

Yes, love conquers all. But only if we open our hearts and find a way to allow it to.

One down, many more to go

Well I finished the 2nd draft of my sitcom yesterday. Technically, it's the first complete draft as my 1st draft was missing several pages that I simply "didn't get to". Yea, I don't really buy it either.

The truth is that writing is an incredibly scary thing. On one hand, art is an intensely personal thing and it shouldn't really matter much what others think of it. In a very God-like metaphor, it's a personal relationship between creator and creation (I will come back to this in a bit). But on the other hand, art is meant to be enjoyed by the masses as well. Otherwise, why create it? Why not leave it in your head where it's safe and the imperfections are easily glossed over in your mind's eye. Art, even something as main stream as television sitcoms, is the artist baring part of their soul to the world. And the soul, though hard to destroy, is easily bruised.

It's this fear of bruising that can lock up a writer. The more I write the more I start to believe that there is no such thing as "writer's block". Instead, what we often call writer's block is really just the writer allowing fear to freeze their hand. The mind is still working. The hands stop out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of making something unworthy. Fear that the words you're writing are just plain crap. Or maybe it isn't fear, but just a knowledge that the only words that are coming to mind are barely even a sentence. But there is a saying in this industry. Writing is re-writing. It's rare, if ever, that a writer gets the words right on the first go round. Understanding this, accepting and ultimately embracing it is what allows a writer to push through the blocks. Just like a sculptor needs material to carve a statue from, sometimes a writer needs words on a page to start carving out something amazing.

Anyone reading this, the next time you feel "writer's block", continue writing. Swallow the fear of making something bad. You'll have to come back to it but it will be much easier to fix what you have.

Which brings me back around to the God analogy. If everyone is script, God is editing us down to the bare essentials. He wants our story to make sense and ultimately be able to affect lives, but sometimes he has to delete a paragraph here, or add an adjective there. It's not easy, sometimes you rather liked that scene or this one. But God is the greatest story teller of all and he knows what makes the story work, much better than the characters in the story.

In a strange way, this analogy of us being characters in a screenplay God is writing is very accurate. This may seem like an argument for predestination and a lack of free will, but if you've ever written something with characters you know it's usually just the opposite. Characters I'm creating often seem to exist and take on a life of their own independent of my own conscious mind. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep up with them, much less direct where they will go or what they will do. But just like with God and me, I usually have a better sense of what is best for those characters than they do. They may want to go after the girl but I know that it's not meant to be.

Anyways, I think that's enough meditation for one entry. In the news department, I am hoping to have draft 2.1 of "Beat" done by the weekend. I'll be sending it out and getting feedback then. In the meantime, I have come up with a new show that I will begin working on as well. This is a drama this time and I'm very excited by the premise. I won't be sharing it here for the time being, but trust me, this will be a good one. Until next time!

Back at it in Burbank

Another year gone. But this year was a different one. It began (more or less) with my move to Los Angeles, just over a year ago now. January 7th was my D-Day of sorts.

Now here I am again, feeling like I've gone very little distance in the last year. I'm still poor and still have no job. I'm still living in the same apartment (though given the first two, that's quite an achievement really).

So in a weird way, this is like trying again. This is almost a second shot at my first year out here, only this time I have my feet under me a little more solidly. Perhaps not financially but certainly maturity and life wise. I've learned a lot over this year, even if it feels like little has changed.

Last year was more about survival, this year I really start my career. I've been writing pretty consistently so far this year. I've made a concerted effort to view that as my first job and to make it a priority every day. Being conscious and purposeful with my writing is the first step in this process of turning, what has essentially been a hobby, into a full fledged career.

I've been working a lot on my sitcom pilot this week. I'm hoping to have it polished within the next few months so it is ready for contests. At the rate I'm going it will be done with months to spare actually. I really feel good about this pilot. Even if it doesn't win the contest, I think it will be bought someday. I'll be sure to tell you all more about it sometime, but after I have it finished and protected. The last thing I need is to have this thing stolen out from under me.

Anyways, that's about enough rambling for now. Until next time (which will hopefully be soon, this counts as writing in my new system too).

Home

Musing about the meaning of home is a bit deep and frankly beyond my ability at this point. I'm still pretty mentally fatigued from trying to conquer my jet lag. Pacific standard time is not a habit easily kicked. Unfortunately, as anyone that has battled jet lag will tell you, mental fatigue does not equal tiredness and sleep eludes me yet.

Suffice it to say, I have returned to Minnesota and will be here for about a fortnight (and the Word of the Post goes to...). If you want to see me, let me know. Since this is mostly family that reads this, you will likely see me several times over the Christmas holiday. I'm hoping to write more soon, but gonna try to get to bed at a decent time tonight. Wish me luck.