Rediscovering Who I Am

When I was in high school, I was crazy about football. I worked out, either after or during school, every day for 4 years. I never missed a practice, I cut soda out of my diet and brought game film home to study. I even did three years of track and field, which in hindsight was a vastly superior experience for me, to stay in better shape for football in the fall.

And in the end, what did I have to show for all that passionate hard work and dedication? A handful of plays during garbage time as a senior (I didn't even make it on special teams) and a phone call from the Bethel coach telling me I couldn't play in college.

And so I cried. And it hurt. And I tried to move on from it with dignity. But along the way I learned a costly lesson; hard work doesn't matter.

I didn't learn it on purpose. I don't remember even consciously deciding that. But I'd poured my heart and soul into something and got burned. Bad. And even though my college experience was better for it, it was the beginning of a series of events that continued to cement that concept in my mind until it became something seated deep in my being.

So here I am, seven years removed from that crystallizing moment in my life. And I don't want it anymore. I'm out of shape, I can't get a job and I've never had a serious relationship. And I think it's because I'm still gun shy from what happened all those years ago.

Because I think that's the problem. I used to know how to give 110% and not take no for an answer. I used to know what it took to accomplish my goals. I don't feel that way anymore. But I want to.

Maybe it's just part of growing up that you get beat down and you start to give up on battles. You get tired and responsibilities start to weigh you down. You learn how to half-ass your way through anything. It's a well-trodden path to mediocrity and boredom. But I was never a quitter. And I was born stubborn. And maybe, just maybe, surrender isn't the only option after all.

I can get myself back. Or that part of myself at least, because that was something worth salvaging from those high school years. And I think if I can pull that bit out of the closet and dust it off, I may just make it in this town yet.