Never Say Die

Never say die. That's the motto these days. I had hoped that after I got back out here God would clear some things up for me. But that hasn't been in the cards for me so far. And now it's a game of endurance.

I recently retired from background acting. It was a difficult decision since I enjoyed it so much and it had been a good source of friends over the last year and a half since I'd started. The truth is I'd lost my heart for it. Also, if I'm honest, it hadn't been a reliable source of income for about 12 months. But mostly I was tired of being treated like cattle on sets. I was tired of being below the lowest wrung of production looking up. If I'm going to be getting up at 4 a.m. to work a 15 hour day, I want to actually matter to the production.

And so I'm back to pursuing work as a Production Assistant (PA). For those unfamiliar with the term, it's basically the equivalent of a run of the mill intern, but on sets and in production offices (and paid). We just do whatever menial task needs doing. Fetch lunches, make copies, hold traffic. You name it. It's tough to get a foothold without knowing someone but every short-term/one-day job I get builds my resume so I'm hopeful that one of these times I'll stick.

For the time being, I am in dire straights. My bank account has reached frighteningly small proportions while I wait on a check from my latest PA job. Supposedly it should be here in the next couple days. Supposedly. You see, to make matters more stressful, I have been having difficulties with my mail lately and the check I'm waiting for may not even make it to me on the first try. It could easily be another week or more before I see that money. So hooray!

Other than that, there's really not much going on in my life. I've barely left the apartment the last couple days. I can't really afford to do anything and even driving to free places costs me gas. So I've just been sitting here waiting for my check to come (so I can stop living like a hermit) and applying for jobs like a mad man.

It's amazing how exhausting that can be. I have to overcome so much pessimism now just to fill out an application. I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And it certainly feels like I'm insane. I fight off the questions (Am I doing something wrong?, Am I just unhirable?, etc.) and crippling self-doubt just so I can fill out another application that I'm either too qualified for or under-qualified for and send it off knowing I won't be hearing back from them either. Eventually you can't overcome that. You find that it's more appealing to waste your time on your own terms. Why fill out a resume that will go nowhere when I can watch another episode of 'Scrubs'? Well, bad example because watching 'Scrubs' is always preferable to doing anything else. But you know what I mean. When hope feels like a waste of time, the soul becomes heavy.

When I was in Minnesota earlier this year, God went out of his way to show me that I don't belong there anymore. As much as I might want to go home sometimes, I know that I can't be happy there for long. This is where I need to be. Which is helpful in a way because the boats were burned, so to speak, and there's nowhere to go anymore. Onward and upward. Once more into the breach. And so forth. I think that was His point. As if He was preparing me for this time. I don't have anywhere to go now so I have no choice but to endure and do whatever I have to in order to keep my head above water. Fight, scratch and claw. Make them drag you away kicking and screaming. How bad do I want it? I guess we're gonna find out.

Through it all, I ask "Why?". Not because I'm questioning God putting me through this as much as that I'm terrified I'm missing whatever lesson(s) I should be learning in these trials. I guess pray for that. I'd hate to go through all this and miss out on the chance to better myself.