It's that time of year again. The weather has gotten a bit chillier. The leaves have begun to change (finally!). Football season is half over (already!?). And everywhere I look are reminders of the Holiday season that is now being thrust upon us. Meanwhile, my heart breaks every day.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. First I should explain some things about living two thousand miles from family. I come from a close knit family. We get along well and genuinely love each other. So after seeing my family on an almost weekly basis for the better part of the last twenty five years (and to a somewhat lesser extent, friends I've known just a fraction of that time), suddenly going months at a time away from them becomes very emotionally taxing. I feel every mile. It feels like I'm hungry, but in my soul instead of my gut.
Most of the time, the easiest way to cope with it is to push it to the back of my mind. Just don't think about it. It's not a good solution. It's not a solution at all really. Isolating myself more just makes me feel further away when the feelings do break through (which they always do). But it's a band aid and it makes the hurt less. They're out of sight, might as well keep them out of mind (though to be clear, I still usually talk to my family several times a week. I just use this technique for the times in between).
Except this time of year. Every colored leaf on the ground. Every turkey in a shop window. Every disturbingly premature Christmas decoration. They are all acute reminders of the family and friends I miss so far from here. My mind is abruptly pulled out of my own world and into the world I left behind when I made the leap to Los Angeles two years ago.
I suppose that's kind of the point really. There is probably no season of the year that has so many traditions associated with it. From big things like opening presents on Christmas morning, to little things like a leaf or snowflake on the ground, there is no avoiding the memories and feelings we've come to associate with each. And, of course, that is the point of traditions in the first place.
For many, this is what makes the next two months their favorite time of year. The happy feelings associated with every song, every holly branch. The general feeling of nostalgia and good will that is so prevalent at this time of year. And good for them. I envy that. I just get homesick. It isn't an entirely bad thing. But the word "sick" is in there for a reason.
Loneliness is a near constant companion this time of year, even in the midst of a group of friends, and I try my best not to think about it. I don't even like talking about this now, as I am basically bathing in my loneliness just by writing this. So I'm sorry to anyone reading this for not staying in touch better than I do. Now you know why. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. I guess that's all I'm really trying to say.
4.10.11
A Proposal (Part 4)
They retired from that park, hand in hand and beaming. The smiles on their faces couldn't be dulled. Neither had any true comprehension of the decision they had just made. Nor how inexplicably their lives had been altered in that brief, joyous moment. Teresa called her mother. And James texted his frat brothers. And they went swing dancing.
They felt weightless on the floor that night. Flying and twirling through the music, their minds drifted to far off visions of the future. Their future. The honeymoon. Starting a family. A new home. The first day of school. Family vacations. Graduations. Grandchildren. Their golden years together. It was all before them.
They didn't yet know that Teresa was barren. Nor could they foresee James' struggles with alcoholism. Teresa never imagined she would get breast cancer. And James hadn't predicted he'd die alone, his once sharp mind ravaged by Alzheimer's. This too was before them.
At that moment, James just knew that he loved Teresa. And she loved him too. At the end of his life, many years later, he would look back and know; that really was enough.
They felt weightless on the floor that night. Flying and twirling through the music, their minds drifted to far off visions of the future. Their future. The honeymoon. Starting a family. A new home. The first day of school. Family vacations. Graduations. Grandchildren. Their golden years together. It was all before them.
They didn't yet know that Teresa was barren. Nor could they foresee James' struggles with alcoholism. Teresa never imagined she would get breast cancer. And James hadn't predicted he'd die alone, his once sharp mind ravaged by Alzheimer's. This too was before them.
At that moment, James just knew that he loved Teresa. And she loved him too. At the end of his life, many years later, he would look back and know; that really was enough.
25.9.11
A Proposal (Part 3)
James forged ahead. It now seemed to him that he was merely an observer in all of this. Like a passerby, standing just behind him and slightly to the side. Or perhaps next to Teresa. Yes, that would be better. That was his one regret in all of this; that he couldn’t hold her in his arms in this moment. Everything seemed better with her warm body pressed up against his. Everything. And he knew in his heart he could do anything with her by his side. Even get through this.
He continued to drift through his prepared speech, the one that he'd spent months memorizing, until he suddenly realized that he'd stopped talking. This was it! His panic threatened to return for the briefest of moments as he worried that he had forgotten to end on a question.
"Yes! Yes! Of course I'll marry you!" she cried, alleviating his concerns in the process. "Really?" he asked, feeling like an idiot before the words had even left his mouth. It would be a story they could tell their children someday. "When your father asked me to marry him, I said yes. And he said 'Really?'"
James slipped the ring onto her finger. He was struck by how much anticipation and anxiety had led up to such a simple act. And just like that, it was over. The engagement was on.
He rose up to her lips and he kissed her like the eternity that they just lived through had actually happened.
To be continued...
He continued to drift through his prepared speech, the one that he'd spent months memorizing, until he suddenly realized that he'd stopped talking. This was it! His panic threatened to return for the briefest of moments as he worried that he had forgotten to end on a question.
"Yes! Yes! Of course I'll marry you!" she cried, alleviating his concerns in the process. "Really?" he asked, feeling like an idiot before the words had even left his mouth. It would be a story they could tell their children someday. "When your father asked me to marry him, I said yes. And he said 'Really?'"
James slipped the ring onto her finger. He was struck by how much anticipation and anxiety had led up to such a simple act. And just like that, it was over. The engagement was on.
He rose up to her lips and he kissed her like the eternity that they just lived through had actually happened.
To be continued...
24.9.11
A Proposal (Part 2)
As he started to speak the words caught in his throat, tripping over each other as they all tried to rush out at once. A millisecond of panic shot through him like a bolt as he thought back on all his scenarios, simultaneously recognizing that this had never happened in any of them. The word "Abort" flashed in front of his eyes as sirens blared. Adrenaline surged through his veins as his flight or flight instincts, born through millennia of his ancestors escaping danger, began to kick in. He could feel his muscles tensing up, coiling in anticipation. But then the moment passed. Moments always do. And as quickly as it had come his panic retreated away without him, giving way to his steely determination that had brought him to this point.
Teresa’s own mind was less calm about the flub. Outwardly she kept up appearances. Her smile remained glued in place, and tears continued to well in her eyes. But inwardly a small voice was objecting loudly. "NO! It’s not supposed to happen like this! It’s supposed to be perfect!" And she knew the voice was right. The man is not supposed to stumble over the words. Her pulse began to quicken as her fantasy of a perfect, dream proposal withered and died before her eyes. The objections were welling inside her, threatening to escape.
But then she looked into his eyes. The eyes that had always been there when she needed him. The eyes that had cried with her. The eyes that had shared in her joy. In his eyes she saw the love he had for her. Well, love with a little bit of fear. And for a moment, her heart was completely calm. "Hush now," she consoled the voice, "It is perfect."
To be continued...
Teresa’s own mind was less calm about the flub. Outwardly she kept up appearances. Her smile remained glued in place, and tears continued to well in her eyes. But inwardly a small voice was objecting loudly. "NO! It’s not supposed to happen like this! It’s supposed to be perfect!" And she knew the voice was right. The man is not supposed to stumble over the words. Her pulse began to quicken as her fantasy of a perfect, dream proposal withered and died before her eyes. The objections were welling inside her, threatening to escape.
But then she looked into his eyes. The eyes that had always been there when she needed him. The eyes that had cried with her. The eyes that had shared in her joy. In his eyes she saw the love he had for her. Well, love with a little bit of fear. And for a moment, her heart was completely calm. "Hush now," she consoled the voice, "It is perfect."
To be continued...
23.9.11
A Proposal (Part 1)
Teresa knew where this was going. The candles? The rose petals? She wasn’t dumb. The truth is she had been wondering aloud to her friends when James would propose. It had been an incredible two years, but it was about time for them to move on to the next stage. So when he had mysteriously brought her to their favorite spot, here in the park where they shared their first date, she knew what to expect.
But even with all the anticipation and expectation, she wasn’t quite prepared for the way her heart jumped in her chest when she saw him kneel down in front of her. In fact, if her attention hadn’t been so singularly focused on the man before her, she very well may have fainted. She had waited for this moment her whole life.
While he never would have admitted it publicly, James had dreamt of this his whole life too. Always the hopeless romantic. Always the chivalrous gentlemen. James had run this scenario a thousand times in his head. A thousand, thousand times. And yet, even though it always ended with her saying the greatest word in the English language, he just couldn’t stop his hands from sweating now.
"This is such a vulnerable position", he thought, "I’ve never felt so exposed in my life." And that really was saying a lot considering his college fraternity’s propensity for streaking.
To be continued...
But even with all the anticipation and expectation, she wasn’t quite prepared for the way her heart jumped in her chest when she saw him kneel down in front of her. In fact, if her attention hadn’t been so singularly focused on the man before her, she very well may have fainted. She had waited for this moment her whole life.
While he never would have admitted it publicly, James had dreamt of this his whole life too. Always the hopeless romantic. Always the chivalrous gentlemen. James had run this scenario a thousand times in his head. A thousand, thousand times. And yet, even though it always ended with her saying the greatest word in the English language, he just couldn’t stop his hands from sweating now.
"This is such a vulnerable position", he thought, "I’ve never felt so exposed in my life." And that really was saying a lot considering his college fraternity’s propensity for streaking.
To be continued...
22.9.11
Non-News That's Good News
It's been a whirlwind 24ish hours for me here in L.A. But before I get ahead of myself, let's start at the beginning.
Many of you know that I applied to a number of TV writing fellowships at the end of May. I worked long and hard on a spec script of "Modern Family" and submitted it to Warner Bros., NBC and ABC. It was a long shot of a pipe dream, but it was good practice and I came out of it with a great writing sample at the very least.
Over the last couple weeks I heard back from (or didn't hear back from) the NBC and WB programs informing me that I had not been chosen as a semi-finalist. But as I said, the odds were always stacked against me and I didn't really have much hope of breaking through. The WB fellowship alone received over 1,700 entries. Of those 1,700 only 8 (4 comedy scripts, 4 drama scripts) are being chosen. For those keeping track at home, that means less than 0.5% of all applicants are chosen. With odds like that, I was hardly devastated. I know my script is solid and I don't need a lottery to tell me that.
Now only the ABC program remained. The creme de la creme. ABC is a full year long program (twice as long as WB and 4 times as long as NBC) that sets their participants up as "Program Writers" on actual working shows. Consequently, it's the only program that pays its writers. $50,000. Naturally their selection process is a little more involved than all the other programs... combined.
ABC was the only program to require, not one, but TWO letters of recommendation from "Industry Professionals". They require applicants that get through the initial round of eliminations to submit TWO additional writing samples (one pilot script and one miscellaneous script). They then narrow those down to the Semi-Finalists, who are run through a phone interview. From that interview, 30 Finalists are chosen to take part in a 3 day "gauntlet" of interviews. Day one is a mixer with all the finalists and various executives and producers. Day two is one-on-one interviews with program executives, the people running the program. Day three is a panel interview with program executives, shorunners and producers. From that, 8 writers/writing teams are selected (4 comedy, 4 drama again).
It sounds intense but remember; ABC is putting these rookies into their actual working writer's rooms. They will be participating in their shows. They need to be sure they're picking writers who are not only talented but good, personable and fun people too.
So why did I explain all this? Because yesterday evening, around 6:20 p.m. PST, the ABC Writer's Program emailed me to ask for additional writing samples.
Wow! That was exciting news... for about 15 seconds. If you'll recall I said that the program asks for two additional writing samples. A pilot, which I had. And a miscellaneous, which I did not. Not really. I had a couple scripts lying around but nothing newer than a year and a half old, and none that were comedic (as my spec and pilot were comedic, I figured it would be best to stay on that track). And the cherry on top? All additional materials were due by 4 p.m. this afternoon. Less than 24 hours after the email was sent.
What was I gonna do? My crappy older stuff wasn't ideal and was mostly in need of extensive rewriting to come close to an accurate representation of my current skill level. I didn't have time to fix those if I wanted to. I have been working on a drama pilot for a while but it's not even ready for me to write pages. Even if it were I didn't have time to write a 40-60 page drama script (something I've yet to even attempt).
I was desperate. All those hours on that script. Was it really gonna end this way? ABC wanted more of my material and I just didn't have any? No. I may very well not make it into the program, but I wasn't about to let THIS be the reason I don't get in.
It was clear what I had to do. I had to write something from scratch. I had about 18 hours until I had to have my materials in and I was gonna have something. Racking my brain I remembered a series of sketch ideas me and my roommate had been tossing around all week. We had just finished watching "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" and were toying with the idea of doing our own sketch comedy show to post online and maybe generate some exposure.
That was it! Sketch comedy shows have writer's rooms too! Sketches are legitimate television writing!
I quickly set to work on the sketches. Most of the ideas were nothing more than concepts or funny images that hadn't been flushed out into full sketches yet. But this wasn't pitch time, this was sink or swim time. So I plowed ahead and by 6 a.m. I had written 8 sketches totaling about 19 pages in length. I took a quick snooze while my mom and brother looked the pages over and gave me some feedback. When I woke up I got to work on making revisions, as well as signing and scanning the various release forms that needed to accompany my writing samples (I also had to fill out a form that included web addresses for my social networking presence; apparently they want to look over my facebook page).
In the end I got them all sent off with time to spare. Now I'm pretty much falling asleep at the keyboard but I wanted to let you all know about my exciting 24 hours. For those wondering; yes, I am actually quite happy with how the sketches turned out. I thought they were all funny and that's about all you can ask for in sketch writing. Beyond that, I think a collection of straight jokes will pair nicely with the more dramedy spec and pilot I submitted. And I think it may help me stand out as I doubt many others submitted a sketch packet as a writing sample. Under the circumstances, I don't see how it could have gone better.
It's also encouraging to know I'm capable of that kind of production in a very short time when pressed. It's a confidence that will come in handy when I'm actually a working staff writer someday and my livelihood depends on me writing 20 pages in a night.
Now, this is still non-news in the end. They're likely asking hundreds of people for additional materials. All it means is I made it past whatever initial screening processes they use to thin out the herd. But it's still good news. I'm not out. I'm a tiny step closer to a spot in the program. And I got two more strong writing samples into the judges hands, which can only be a good thing. Whatever happens next is out of my control, but at least I was able to pick myself up off the mat and stay in the game when I had to. Thanks be to God.
Many of you know that I applied to a number of TV writing fellowships at the end of May. I worked long and hard on a spec script of "Modern Family" and submitted it to Warner Bros., NBC and ABC. It was a long shot of a pipe dream, but it was good practice and I came out of it with a great writing sample at the very least.
Over the last couple weeks I heard back from (or didn't hear back from) the NBC and WB programs informing me that I had not been chosen as a semi-finalist. But as I said, the odds were always stacked against me and I didn't really have much hope of breaking through. The WB fellowship alone received over 1,700 entries. Of those 1,700 only 8 (4 comedy scripts, 4 drama scripts) are being chosen. For those keeping track at home, that means less than 0.5% of all applicants are chosen. With odds like that, I was hardly devastated. I know my script is solid and I don't need a lottery to tell me that.
Now only the ABC program remained. The creme de la creme. ABC is a full year long program (twice as long as WB and 4 times as long as NBC) that sets their participants up as "Program Writers" on actual working shows. Consequently, it's the only program that pays its writers. $50,000. Naturally their selection process is a little more involved than all the other programs... combined.
ABC was the only program to require, not one, but TWO letters of recommendation from "Industry Professionals". They require applicants that get through the initial round of eliminations to submit TWO additional writing samples (one pilot script and one miscellaneous script). They then narrow those down to the Semi-Finalists, who are run through a phone interview. From that interview, 30 Finalists are chosen to take part in a 3 day "gauntlet" of interviews. Day one is a mixer with all the finalists and various executives and producers. Day two is one-on-one interviews with program executives, the people running the program. Day three is a panel interview with program executives, shorunners and producers. From that, 8 writers/writing teams are selected (4 comedy, 4 drama again).
It sounds intense but remember; ABC is putting these rookies into their actual working writer's rooms. They will be participating in their shows. They need to be sure they're picking writers who are not only talented but good, personable and fun people too.
So why did I explain all this? Because yesterday evening, around 6:20 p.m. PST, the ABC Writer's Program emailed me to ask for additional writing samples.
Wow! That was exciting news... for about 15 seconds. If you'll recall I said that the program asks for two additional writing samples. A pilot, which I had. And a miscellaneous, which I did not. Not really. I had a couple scripts lying around but nothing newer than a year and a half old, and none that were comedic (as my spec and pilot were comedic, I figured it would be best to stay on that track). And the cherry on top? All additional materials were due by 4 p.m. this afternoon. Less than 24 hours after the email was sent.
What was I gonna do? My crappy older stuff wasn't ideal and was mostly in need of extensive rewriting to come close to an accurate representation of my current skill level. I didn't have time to fix those if I wanted to. I have been working on a drama pilot for a while but it's not even ready for me to write pages. Even if it were I didn't have time to write a 40-60 page drama script (something I've yet to even attempt).
I was desperate. All those hours on that script. Was it really gonna end this way? ABC wanted more of my material and I just didn't have any? No. I may very well not make it into the program, but I wasn't about to let THIS be the reason I don't get in.
It was clear what I had to do. I had to write something from scratch. I had about 18 hours until I had to have my materials in and I was gonna have something. Racking my brain I remembered a series of sketch ideas me and my roommate had been tossing around all week. We had just finished watching "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" and were toying with the idea of doing our own sketch comedy show to post online and maybe generate some exposure.
That was it! Sketch comedy shows have writer's rooms too! Sketches are legitimate television writing!
I quickly set to work on the sketches. Most of the ideas were nothing more than concepts or funny images that hadn't been flushed out into full sketches yet. But this wasn't pitch time, this was sink or swim time. So I plowed ahead and by 6 a.m. I had written 8 sketches totaling about 19 pages in length. I took a quick snooze while my mom and brother looked the pages over and gave me some feedback. When I woke up I got to work on making revisions, as well as signing and scanning the various release forms that needed to accompany my writing samples (I also had to fill out a form that included web addresses for my social networking presence; apparently they want to look over my facebook page).
In the end I got them all sent off with time to spare. Now I'm pretty much falling asleep at the keyboard but I wanted to let you all know about my exciting 24 hours. For those wondering; yes, I am actually quite happy with how the sketches turned out. I thought they were all funny and that's about all you can ask for in sketch writing. Beyond that, I think a collection of straight jokes will pair nicely with the more dramedy spec and pilot I submitted. And I think it may help me stand out as I doubt many others submitted a sketch packet as a writing sample. Under the circumstances, I don't see how it could have gone better.
It's also encouraging to know I'm capable of that kind of production in a very short time when pressed. It's a confidence that will come in handy when I'm actually a working staff writer someday and my livelihood depends on me writing 20 pages in a night.
Now, this is still non-news in the end. They're likely asking hundreds of people for additional materials. All it means is I made it past whatever initial screening processes they use to thin out the herd. But it's still good news. I'm not out. I'm a tiny step closer to a spot in the program. And I got two more strong writing samples into the judges hands, which can only be a good thing. Whatever happens next is out of my control, but at least I was able to pick myself up off the mat and stay in the game when I had to. Thanks be to God.
15.9.11
Never Say Die
Never say die. That's the motto these days. I had hoped that after I got back out here God would clear some things up for me. But that hasn't been in the cards for me so far. And now it's a game of endurance.
I recently retired from background acting. It was a difficult decision since I enjoyed it so much and it had been a good source of friends over the last year and a half since I'd started. The truth is I'd lost my heart for it. Also, if I'm honest, it hadn't been a reliable source of income for about 12 months. But mostly I was tired of being treated like cattle on sets. I was tired of being below the lowest wrung of production looking up. If I'm going to be getting up at 4 a.m. to work a 15 hour day, I want to actually matter to the production.
And so I'm back to pursuing work as a Production Assistant (PA). For those unfamiliar with the term, it's basically the equivalent of a run of the mill intern, but on sets and in production offices (and paid). We just do whatever menial task needs doing. Fetch lunches, make copies, hold traffic. You name it. It's tough to get a foothold without knowing someone but every short-term/one-day job I get builds my resume so I'm hopeful that one of these times I'll stick.
For the time being, I am in dire straights. My bank account has reached frighteningly small proportions while I wait on a check from my latest PA job. Supposedly it should be here in the next couple days. Supposedly. You see, to make matters more stressful, I have been having difficulties with my mail lately and the check I'm waiting for may not even make it to me on the first try. It could easily be another week or more before I see that money. So hooray!
Other than that, there's really not much going on in my life. I've barely left the apartment the last couple days. I can't really afford to do anything and even driving to free places costs me gas. So I've just been sitting here waiting for my check to come (so I can stop living like a hermit) and applying for jobs like a mad man.
It's amazing how exhausting that can be. I have to overcome so much pessimism now just to fill out an application. I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And it certainly feels like I'm insane. I fight off the questions (Am I doing something wrong?, Am I just unhirable?, etc.) and crippling self-doubt just so I can fill out another application that I'm either too qualified for or under-qualified for and send it off knowing I won't be hearing back from them either. Eventually you can't overcome that. You find that it's more appealing to waste your time on your own terms. Why fill out a resume that will go nowhere when I can watch another episode of 'Scrubs'? Well, bad example because watching 'Scrubs' is always preferable to doing anything else. But you know what I mean. When hope feels like a waste of time, the soul becomes heavy.
When I was in Minnesota earlier this year, God went out of his way to show me that I don't belong there anymore. As much as I might want to go home sometimes, I know that I can't be happy there for long. This is where I need to be. Which is helpful in a way because the boats were burned, so to speak, and there's nowhere to go anymore. Onward and upward. Once more into the breach. And so forth. I think that was His point. As if He was preparing me for this time. I don't have anywhere to go now so I have no choice but to endure and do whatever I have to in order to keep my head above water. Fight, scratch and claw. Make them drag you away kicking and screaming. How bad do I want it? I guess we're gonna find out.
Through it all, I ask "Why?". Not because I'm questioning God putting me through this as much as that I'm terrified I'm missing whatever lesson(s) I should be learning in these trials. I guess pray for that. I'd hate to go through all this and miss out on the chance to better myself.
I recently retired from background acting. It was a difficult decision since I enjoyed it so much and it had been a good source of friends over the last year and a half since I'd started. The truth is I'd lost my heart for it. Also, if I'm honest, it hadn't been a reliable source of income for about 12 months. But mostly I was tired of being treated like cattle on sets. I was tired of being below the lowest wrung of production looking up. If I'm going to be getting up at 4 a.m. to work a 15 hour day, I want to actually matter to the production.
And so I'm back to pursuing work as a Production Assistant (PA). For those unfamiliar with the term, it's basically the equivalent of a run of the mill intern, but on sets and in production offices (and paid). We just do whatever menial task needs doing. Fetch lunches, make copies, hold traffic. You name it. It's tough to get a foothold without knowing someone but every short-term/one-day job I get builds my resume so I'm hopeful that one of these times I'll stick.
For the time being, I am in dire straights. My bank account has reached frighteningly small proportions while I wait on a check from my latest PA job. Supposedly it should be here in the next couple days. Supposedly. You see, to make matters more stressful, I have been having difficulties with my mail lately and the check I'm waiting for may not even make it to me on the first try. It could easily be another week or more before I see that money. So hooray!
Other than that, there's really not much going on in my life. I've barely left the apartment the last couple days. I can't really afford to do anything and even driving to free places costs me gas. So I've just been sitting here waiting for my check to come (so I can stop living like a hermit) and applying for jobs like a mad man.
It's amazing how exhausting that can be. I have to overcome so much pessimism now just to fill out an application. I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And it certainly feels like I'm insane. I fight off the questions (Am I doing something wrong?, Am I just unhirable?, etc.) and crippling self-doubt just so I can fill out another application that I'm either too qualified for or under-qualified for and send it off knowing I won't be hearing back from them either. Eventually you can't overcome that. You find that it's more appealing to waste your time on your own terms. Why fill out a resume that will go nowhere when I can watch another episode of 'Scrubs'? Well, bad example because watching 'Scrubs' is always preferable to doing anything else. But you know what I mean. When hope feels like a waste of time, the soul becomes heavy.
When I was in Minnesota earlier this year, God went out of his way to show me that I don't belong there anymore. As much as I might want to go home sometimes, I know that I can't be happy there for long. This is where I need to be. Which is helpful in a way because the boats were burned, so to speak, and there's nowhere to go anymore. Onward and upward. Once more into the breach. And so forth. I think that was His point. As if He was preparing me for this time. I don't have anywhere to go now so I have no choice but to endure and do whatever I have to in order to keep my head above water. Fight, scratch and claw. Make them drag you away kicking and screaming. How bad do I want it? I guess we're gonna find out.
Through it all, I ask "Why?". Not because I'm questioning God putting me through this as much as that I'm terrified I'm missing whatever lesson(s) I should be learning in these trials. I guess pray for that. I'd hate to go through all this and miss out on the chance to better myself.
25.8.11
Rediscovering Who I Am
When I was in high school, I was crazy about football. I worked out, either after or during school, every day for 4 years. I never missed a practice, I cut soda out of my diet and brought game film home to study. I even did three years of track and field, which in hindsight was a vastly superior experience for me, to stay in better shape for football in the fall.
And in the end, what did I have to show for all that passionate hard work and dedication? A handful of plays during garbage time as a senior (I didn't even make it on special teams) and a phone call from the Bethel coach telling me I couldn't play in college.
And so I cried. And it hurt. And I tried to move on from it with dignity. But along the way I learned a costly lesson; hard work doesn't matter.
I didn't learn it on purpose. I don't remember even consciously deciding that. But I'd poured my heart and soul into something and got burned. Bad. And even though my college experience was better for it, it was the beginning of a series of events that continued to cement that concept in my mind until it became something seated deep in my being.
So here I am, seven years removed from that crystallizing moment in my life. And I don't want it anymore. I'm out of shape, I can't get a job and I've never had a serious relationship. And I think it's because I'm still gun shy from what happened all those years ago.
Because I think that's the problem. I used to know how to give 110% and not take no for an answer. I used to know what it took to accomplish my goals. I don't feel that way anymore. But I want to.
Maybe it's just part of growing up that you get beat down and you start to give up on battles. You get tired and responsibilities start to weigh you down. You learn how to half-ass your way through anything. It's a well-trodden path to mediocrity and boredom. But I was never a quitter. And I was born stubborn. And maybe, just maybe, surrender isn't the only option after all.
I can get myself back. Or that part of myself at least, because that was something worth salvaging from those high school years. And I think if I can pull that bit out of the closet and dust it off, I may just make it in this town yet.
And in the end, what did I have to show for all that passionate hard work and dedication? A handful of plays during garbage time as a senior (I didn't even make it on special teams) and a phone call from the Bethel coach telling me I couldn't play in college.
And so I cried. And it hurt. And I tried to move on from it with dignity. But along the way I learned a costly lesson; hard work doesn't matter.
I didn't learn it on purpose. I don't remember even consciously deciding that. But I'd poured my heart and soul into something and got burned. Bad. And even though my college experience was better for it, it was the beginning of a series of events that continued to cement that concept in my mind until it became something seated deep in my being.
So here I am, seven years removed from that crystallizing moment in my life. And I don't want it anymore. I'm out of shape, I can't get a job and I've never had a serious relationship. And I think it's because I'm still gun shy from what happened all those years ago.
Because I think that's the problem. I used to know how to give 110% and not take no for an answer. I used to know what it took to accomplish my goals. I don't feel that way anymore. But I want to.
Maybe it's just part of growing up that you get beat down and you start to give up on battles. You get tired and responsibilities start to weigh you down. You learn how to half-ass your way through anything. It's a well-trodden path to mediocrity and boredom. But I was never a quitter. And I was born stubborn. And maybe, just maybe, surrender isn't the only option after all.
I can get myself back. Or that part of myself at least, because that was something worth salvaging from those high school years. And I think if I can pull that bit out of the closet and dust it off, I may just make it in this town yet.
2.8.11
What I'll Be Watching
Here's my rundown of the new shows coming out in the next year for those of you looking for something new to watch. If you haven't heard of these, I encourage you to look into them for yourself.
1. The New Girl - Fox, Tuesdays at 9 - You had me at Zooey Deschanel. Sounds similar to TBS's "My Boys" but without the sports. And funny. It also looks like it has the heart that I look for in my sitcoms.
2. Awake - Midseason on NBC - Probably the most intruiging premise of any new show this season. The trailer looks incredible, but NBC has failed me in the past so I'm nervous.
3. Up All Night - NBC, Wednesdays at 8 - Christina Applegate and Will Arnett are always hilarious, and I don't think I've ever seen a half hour comedy that's shot like this.
4. More as the Story Develops - Spring on HBO - Aaron Sorkin's new show. Once again, he's tapping broadcast television. Once again, it's expected to be brilliant. But now he's on HBO where he can thrive.
5. Person of Interest - CBS, Thursdays at 9 - A collaboration between Jonathan Nolan and JJ Abrams? Frak me! Throw in Jim Caviziel as an ex-CIA vigilante and color me intrigued.
6. Smash - Midseason on NBC - High school melodrama turned me off to "Glee" but this is some meatier fare. It also has a whole "making it in showbiz" vibe that I can relate to well.
7. Alcatraz - Midseason on Fox - I don't consider myself a JJ Abrams fan, but his name still catches my eye. Prisoners disappear from Alcatraz and reappear 50 years in the future? Sounds like it's worth a look.
8. Terra Nova - Fox, Mondays at 8 - Freakin dinosaurs! You need more than that? This is one of, if not the most, ambitious shows of 2011. It should be worth checking out for the spectacle alone.
9. Hell on Wheels - Fall on AMC - Drama on AMC, what else needs to be said? Oh, AMC period piece? Sign me up! This show will keep me hooked on production value alone.
10. Pan Am - ABC, Sundays at 10 - While NBC is trying to hone in on the "Mad Men" cake with "The Playboy Club", "Pan Am" seems like it might actually hit the mark.
Honorable Mention:
Falling Skies - TNT, June 19th - This is a summer show so it doesn't qualify. Can this show coexist with Terra Nova? While the setup is different, the premise is still "Small colony of humans fight for survival and attempt to rebuild their society while something scary tries to pick them off".
Torchwood: Miracle Day - Starz, July 8th - Also a summer show, and not technically new. But I am very excited for this restart/continuation of the BBC's cult hit/Doctor Who spin-off.
Man Up - ABC, Tuesdays at 8:30 - The only decent looking comedy ABC has on tap this season. I'd be surprised if it lasts but Dan Fogler (star of Balls of Fury) looks very funny in this so I'll give it a shot.
I'll Disown You:
If I find out you're watching "Work It", you are dead to me. The fact that it was made is an indictment on ABC as a network, and television as a whole. Frankly, I'd rather watch an episode of "Jersey Shore".
1. The New Girl - Fox, Tuesdays at 9 - You had me at Zooey Deschanel. Sounds similar to TBS's "My Boys" but without the sports. And funny. It also looks like it has the heart that I look for in my sitcoms.
2. Awake - Midseason on NBC - Probably the most intruiging premise of any new show this season. The trailer looks incredible, but NBC has failed me in the past so I'm nervous.
3. Up All Night - NBC, Wednesdays at 8 - Christina Applegate and Will Arnett are always hilarious, and I don't think I've ever seen a half hour comedy that's shot like this.
4. More as the Story Develops - Spring on HBO - Aaron Sorkin's new show. Once again, he's tapping broadcast television. Once again, it's expected to be brilliant. But now he's on HBO where he can thrive.
5. Person of Interest - CBS, Thursdays at 9 - A collaboration between Jonathan Nolan and JJ Abrams? Frak me! Throw in Jim Caviziel as an ex-CIA vigilante and color me intrigued.
6. Smash - Midseason on NBC - High school melodrama turned me off to "Glee" but this is some meatier fare. It also has a whole "making it in showbiz" vibe that I can relate to well.
7. Alcatraz - Midseason on Fox - I don't consider myself a JJ Abrams fan, but his name still catches my eye. Prisoners disappear from Alcatraz and reappear 50 years in the future? Sounds like it's worth a look.
8. Terra Nova - Fox, Mondays at 8 - Freakin dinosaurs! You need more than that? This is one of, if not the most, ambitious shows of 2011. It should be worth checking out for the spectacle alone.
9. Hell on Wheels - Fall on AMC - Drama on AMC, what else needs to be said? Oh, AMC period piece? Sign me up! This show will keep me hooked on production value alone.
10. Pan Am - ABC, Sundays at 10 - While NBC is trying to hone in on the "Mad Men" cake with "The Playboy Club", "Pan Am" seems like it might actually hit the mark.
Honorable Mention:
Falling Skies - TNT, June 19th - This is a summer show so it doesn't qualify. Can this show coexist with Terra Nova? While the setup is different, the premise is still "Small colony of humans fight for survival and attempt to rebuild their society while something scary tries to pick them off".
Torchwood: Miracle Day - Starz, July 8th - Also a summer show, and not technically new. But I am very excited for this restart/continuation of the BBC's cult hit/Doctor Who spin-off.
Man Up - ABC, Tuesdays at 8:30 - The only decent looking comedy ABC has on tap this season. I'd be surprised if it lasts but Dan Fogler (star of Balls of Fury) looks very funny in this so I'll give it a shot.
I'll Disown You:
If I find out you're watching "Work It", you are dead to me. The fact that it was made is an indictment on ABC as a network, and television as a whole. Frankly, I'd rather watch an episode of "Jersey Shore".
28.7.11
Hebrews 10:24
I'm usually not one for the whole "translation #1 vs. translation #2" debate. Or worse the, "I like this version better" thing that people do these days. But this is one verse where I am going to make an exception.
This is Hebrews 10:24 in the New Living Translation:
"Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds."
I love that! First off, the "think of ways" immediately screams creativity to me and that's right down my alley. This seems like we're being encouraged to think outside the box. Don't just give someone a Hallmark card encouragement, think of something special. Something that will really encourage them personally, where they are at and with the challenges they are facing in their lives.
And encourage them to what? Outbursts of love and good deeds! I love that even more. Outbursts of love? Awesome. Encourage people to the point that they are just bursting at the seams with love and good will towards their fellow man. I think that's an incredible image. So powerful. So enthusiastic. We should always love in outbursts. Humans are drawn to people that love like that. But to encourage people in such a way that they go on to love like that? That's even more challenging. An outburst. You literally can't restrain yourself from loving that person. Wow.
Websters defines "outburst" as "a violent expression of feeling". And before you get the wrong image, "violent" is defined as "marked by extreme force or sudden intense activity". So keep your negative connotations to yourself on that one. Violent doesn't have to be harmful or painful, just sudden and intense.
But back to the translation thing, and why I'm on this verse tonight. The NIV has this:
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
Not bad. Definitely more cerebral and probably more technically accurate to the words used. But the NLT isn't about word for word translation, it's about capturing the essence and meaning of a passage. Which is why I find this difference of translation so interesting. Because in this case, the essence is definitely the more potent expression of the message. In fact, I know that I've read it before in the NIV but it wasn't until I stumbled across it tonight that it actually took root.
So go and try to live this verse in your life. It's one of my favorites now.
p.s. I will be posting an update about my time in Haiti soon, so stay tuned for that. Frankly, even though I've been back a week, I've only just begun to process what that trip means for my life.
This is Hebrews 10:24 in the New Living Translation:
"Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds."
I love that! First off, the "think of ways" immediately screams creativity to me and that's right down my alley. This seems like we're being encouraged to think outside the box. Don't just give someone a Hallmark card encouragement, think of something special. Something that will really encourage them personally, where they are at and with the challenges they are facing in their lives.
And encourage them to what? Outbursts of love and good deeds! I love that even more. Outbursts of love? Awesome. Encourage people to the point that they are just bursting at the seams with love and good will towards their fellow man. I think that's an incredible image. So powerful. So enthusiastic. We should always love in outbursts. Humans are drawn to people that love like that. But to encourage people in such a way that they go on to love like that? That's even more challenging. An outburst. You literally can't restrain yourself from loving that person. Wow.
Websters defines "outburst" as "a violent expression of feeling". And before you get the wrong image, "violent" is defined as "marked by extreme force or sudden intense activity". So keep your negative connotations to yourself on that one. Violent doesn't have to be harmful or painful, just sudden and intense.
But back to the translation thing, and why I'm on this verse tonight. The NIV has this:
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
Not bad. Definitely more cerebral and probably more technically accurate to the words used. But the NLT isn't about word for word translation, it's about capturing the essence and meaning of a passage. Which is why I find this difference of translation so interesting. Because in this case, the essence is definitely the more potent expression of the message. In fact, I know that I've read it before in the NIV but it wasn't until I stumbled across it tonight that it actually took root.
So go and try to live this verse in your life. It's one of my favorites now.
p.s. I will be posting an update about my time in Haiti soon, so stay tuned for that. Frankly, even though I've been back a week, I've only just begun to process what that trip means for my life.
30.6.11
Exciting News
It is with great excitement that I now write to tell you all about an opportunity that has arisen during my time here in Minnesota. My church is sending a team to do ministry in Haiti July 8th-20th. A team member pulled out suddenly a week ago and I felt God calling me to go. So after a little logistics work, we were able to switch some tickets around and extend my stay to accommodate the trip dates. As I embark on this adventure, I am confident this is the path God wants me on.
As many of you know, Haiti was devastated by a 7.0 magnitude earthquake in January of 2010 that left an estimated 316,000 people dead, 300,000 injured and 1,000,000 newly homeless. This quake was made even more devastating by the fact that Haiti had already ranked as the poorest country in Western Hemisphere. Poor government infrastructure, corruption and foreign bureaucracy have significantly slowed relief efforts (on the one year anniversary of the quake it was estimated that only 5% of the rubble had been cleared). Needless to say, the rebuilding process has barely begun.
We hope to make a significant, if small, dent. We will be building two new homes, as well as ministering at an orphanage and an AIDS hospice. Additionally, we will be hosting a three day Pastor's Conference (lead by our own church's senior pastor) to help provide area pastors with vital theological teaching. Attendance is expected to be upwards of 300, with pastors coming from all over the country to learn how they can better teach their congregations.
For me, the decision to go was not an easy one and is requiring no small amount of faith on my part. At a time when I have been struggling to pay my rent I now need to raise $1,900 to cover the trip expenses. God is good and I have already raised $500 but there's a long way still to go. If you feel lead to contribute financially, you can send donations to: 783 Cannon Ave Shoreview MN, 55126
Checks should be made out to Calvary Church. No amount is too small and I greatly appreciate any help you can offer. Any money I raise above and beyond my obligation will be put towards purchasing further supplies to help aid the people of Haiti.
But beyond financial needs, the team will need a lot of support in prayer. Specifically for the team, please pray for health and safety for our team, for effective ministry to the sick and dying, for spiritual strength in a country where (according to the CIA) 50% of the population practices Voodoo. For me, pray for my fund raising efforts, that I will be able to integrate well into a team that has been preparing together for months already, for adaptability as my California acclimated body will now be subject to severe heat and humidity, for emotional strength to lead teenage kids in a very challenging environment.
As many of you know, Haiti was devastated by a 7.0 magnitude earthquake in January of 2010 that left an estimated 316,000 people dead, 300,000 injured and 1,000,000 newly homeless. This quake was made even more devastating by the fact that Haiti had already ranked as the poorest country in Western Hemisphere. Poor government infrastructure, corruption and foreign bureaucracy have significantly slowed relief efforts (on the one year anniversary of the quake it was estimated that only 5% of the rubble had been cleared). Needless to say, the rebuilding process has barely begun.
We hope to make a significant, if small, dent. We will be building two new homes, as well as ministering at an orphanage and an AIDS hospice. Additionally, we will be hosting a three day Pastor's Conference (lead by our own church's senior pastor) to help provide area pastors with vital theological teaching. Attendance is expected to be upwards of 300, with pastors coming from all over the country to learn how they can better teach their congregations.
For me, the decision to go was not an easy one and is requiring no small amount of faith on my part. At a time when I have been struggling to pay my rent I now need to raise $1,900 to cover the trip expenses. God is good and I have already raised $500 but there's a long way still to go. If you feel lead to contribute financially, you can send donations to: 783 Cannon Ave Shoreview MN, 55126
Checks should be made out to Calvary Church. No amount is too small and I greatly appreciate any help you can offer. Any money I raise above and beyond my obligation will be put towards purchasing further supplies to help aid the people of Haiti.
But beyond financial needs, the team will need a lot of support in prayer. Specifically for the team, please pray for health and safety for our team, for effective ministry to the sick and dying, for spiritual strength in a country where (according to the CIA) 50% of the population practices Voodoo. For me, pray for my fund raising efforts, that I will be able to integrate well into a team that has been preparing together for months already, for adaptability as my California acclimated body will now be subject to severe heat and humidity, for emotional strength to lead teenage kids in a very challenging environment.
1.6.11
At a Crossroads
I grew up being told to pray to God for guidance or for things we want. Sometimes He'd say "Yes", sometimes "Maybe". Sometimes He'd say "No". But what happens when God says "Choose"?
I'm sitting at a bit of crossroads right now. There are certainly risks and rewards to be had on either side; pros and cons aplenty. One road brings me back to Los Angeles during the height of hiring season, the other brings me guaranteed money (enough to make it through the rest of 2011) and no long term employment. Of course, there is no guarantee of employment on the first road. But there is certainly less chance of employment on the second one.
I now must choose if I want to work, isolated and alone in Canada, for 7 weeks of my summer or if I want to dive face first into the LA job market at the beginning of July. And the trick is I feel strongly that God is saying, choose and I will bless you either way.
Now those that know me well know that decisions are not my strong point. I'm great at seeing all sides of a problem, but that vision cripples me at decision time. I know EXACTLY what I'm missing out on with my decision.
In the past God's path for me has always been quite clear. From my decision to attend Bethel to my journey to Los Angeles, it's always been easy for me to know what to do with big decisions. And maybe that will come in time. But right now, it's like staring into a mist.
Two paths diverge. Which is the one less traveled Mr. Frost?
I'm sitting at a bit of crossroads right now. There are certainly risks and rewards to be had on either side; pros and cons aplenty. One road brings me back to Los Angeles during the height of hiring season, the other brings me guaranteed money (enough to make it through the rest of 2011) and no long term employment. Of course, there is no guarantee of employment on the first road. But there is certainly less chance of employment on the second one.
I now must choose if I want to work, isolated and alone in Canada, for 7 weeks of my summer or if I want to dive face first into the LA job market at the beginning of July. And the trick is I feel strongly that God is saying, choose and I will bless you either way.
Now those that know me well know that decisions are not my strong point. I'm great at seeing all sides of a problem, but that vision cripples me at decision time. I know EXACTLY what I'm missing out on with my decision.
In the past God's path for me has always been quite clear. From my decision to attend Bethel to my journey to Los Angeles, it's always been easy for me to know what to do with big decisions. And maybe that will come in time. But right now, it's like staring into a mist.
Two paths diverge. Which is the one less traveled Mr. Frost?
28.5.11
Update Time
It seems to me that I have not updated this site with my own goings on for quite some time. And while I'm sure you enjoyed some of my prose and musings, I imagine some of you are here for raw, pure information straight from the source. So let's get to it shall we?
I have spent the better part of the last two months slaving away on a Modern Family Spec script. The script is for submission to 3 different programs; NBC's Writer's on the Verge, WB Writer's Workshop and the coveted ABC/Disney Writer's Program. Each one receives about 1,500 submissions each year, and they then choose 10 for admittance into their respective program. So yea, it's a long shot to the tune of 0.6%. But as a famous Corellian once said, "Never tell me the odds!".
That said, if all I get out of this experience is a solid spec script, I can't really complain. I went into this knowing it was a long shot, but adding a new script to my portfolio is always a plus.
It's also been a huge opportunity for God to bless me. See, the ABC/Disney fellowship requires two letters of recommendation from "Industry Professionals" who can comment on my potential as a television writer. It may seem like a tall order for someone just starting out like me (and it is), but it's justified. You see, the Disney Program is the only writer's program that pays it's participants $50,000 a year. Yes, you read that right. The others just offer good experience, this one actually pays. And for a single guy sharing an apartment, $50,000 would go a long ways. But I digress.
So the application process was going pretty smoothly overall, but the letters of recommendation were becoming a major source of stress the last couple weeks. One by one I was turned down by my limited resources. LAFSC professors were either uninterested or "too busy". Unfortunately for me, most of my connections I've made out here (and there are a lot of them) have been relatively lateral career-wise. That means that while I know plenty of aspiring "Industry Professionals" I know very few in a position to comment on my potential as a TV writer. Actually, to be more precise, I know exactly two.
Last year my friend Tim worked on a movie filming in Minnesota. While on set, he managed to make friends with the writers/director of the movie, sisters named Jill and Karen Sprecher. They had co-written the movie and Jill was directing it. And it wasn't their rodeo either. In fact, Jill and Karen had both been on staff for the 2006 season of the HBO show "Big Love".
Kind of ironic that Tim had met such accomplished individuals in Minnesota while I floundered away out here. So naturally, when Tim came to visit me in late March last year, he managed to introduce me to his new friends. In fact, we met at Easter brunch at Marie Callender's. Quite a conspicuous way to meet someone huh?
After Tim left, I kept up my contact with them via email, periodically asking for updates on their lives and offering them updates on mine. They were working on several paid writing assignments so their updates were usually more interesting than mine. It also meant they were so busy that, even with Tim visiting three more times in the past year, we never were able to meet up again.
But I kept at it, even when replys from them were few and far between. Eventually these contests came around and I, feeling much more bright and optimistic at the time than I have the last week or so, shot off a "why not?" email to them asking if they'd consider writing my recommendation letters. I didn't even expect a response as I hadn't heard anything from them in over five months.
But wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, they responded. In the face of mounting failure and disappointment, they came through when I needed it most. God's role in this is clear from my perspective and I am thankful for his providence here in the midst of hard times. While I doubt they will read this post, I also can't express my gratitude enough to the Sprecher sisters. If I get this fellowship I'm totally taking them out for a fancy dinner (I was thinking Chuck E Cheese or something).
Other than that, there hasn't been a lot going on. I'll be going home for most of the month of June (5th-30th), so anyone that reads this in that state (probably all of you) and wants to see me, there's your window. It's unlikely I'll be home again before Christmas so make the most of it! I, for one, am really looking forward to seeing my family again. Jordan is graduating from Mounds View the day after my flight gets in so that is exciting! With a little luck I might even get to see him compete in one last track meet.
I'll also be going to Pelican Rapids again for my 11th trip so that will be exciting after missing last year. But right now, all I can think about is how close I am to being completely finished with these applications and how happy I'll be when they are finally off my plate. I've had these three on my radar for over six months.
Til next time!
I have spent the better part of the last two months slaving away on a Modern Family Spec script. The script is for submission to 3 different programs; NBC's Writer's on the Verge, WB Writer's Workshop and the coveted ABC/Disney Writer's Program. Each one receives about 1,500 submissions each year, and they then choose 10 for admittance into their respective program. So yea, it's a long shot to the tune of 0.6%. But as a famous Corellian once said, "Never tell me the odds!".
That said, if all I get out of this experience is a solid spec script, I can't really complain. I went into this knowing it was a long shot, but adding a new script to my portfolio is always a plus.
It's also been a huge opportunity for God to bless me. See, the ABC/Disney fellowship requires two letters of recommendation from "Industry Professionals" who can comment on my potential as a television writer. It may seem like a tall order for someone just starting out like me (and it is), but it's justified. You see, the Disney Program is the only writer's program that pays it's participants $50,000 a year. Yes, you read that right. The others just offer good experience, this one actually pays. And for a single guy sharing an apartment, $50,000 would go a long ways. But I digress.
So the application process was going pretty smoothly overall, but the letters of recommendation were becoming a major source of stress the last couple weeks. One by one I was turned down by my limited resources. LAFSC professors were either uninterested or "too busy". Unfortunately for me, most of my connections I've made out here (and there are a lot of them) have been relatively lateral career-wise. That means that while I know plenty of aspiring "Industry Professionals" I know very few in a position to comment on my potential as a TV writer. Actually, to be more precise, I know exactly two.
Last year my friend Tim worked on a movie filming in Minnesota. While on set, he managed to make friends with the writers/director of the movie, sisters named Jill and Karen Sprecher. They had co-written the movie and Jill was directing it. And it wasn't their rodeo either. In fact, Jill and Karen had both been on staff for the 2006 season of the HBO show "Big Love".
Kind of ironic that Tim had met such accomplished individuals in Minnesota while I floundered away out here. So naturally, when Tim came to visit me in late March last year, he managed to introduce me to his new friends. In fact, we met at Easter brunch at Marie Callender's. Quite a conspicuous way to meet someone huh?
After Tim left, I kept up my contact with them via email, periodically asking for updates on their lives and offering them updates on mine. They were working on several paid writing assignments so their updates were usually more interesting than mine. It also meant they were so busy that, even with Tim visiting three more times in the past year, we never were able to meet up again.
But I kept at it, even when replys from them were few and far between. Eventually these contests came around and I, feeling much more bright and optimistic at the time than I have the last week or so, shot off a "why not?" email to them asking if they'd consider writing my recommendation letters. I didn't even expect a response as I hadn't heard anything from them in over five months.
But wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, they responded. In the face of mounting failure and disappointment, they came through when I needed it most. God's role in this is clear from my perspective and I am thankful for his providence here in the midst of hard times. While I doubt they will read this post, I also can't express my gratitude enough to the Sprecher sisters. If I get this fellowship I'm totally taking them out for a fancy dinner (I was thinking Chuck E Cheese or something).
Other than that, there hasn't been a lot going on. I'll be going home for most of the month of June (5th-30th), so anyone that reads this in that state (probably all of you) and wants to see me, there's your window. It's unlikely I'll be home again before Christmas so make the most of it! I, for one, am really looking forward to seeing my family again. Jordan is graduating from Mounds View the day after my flight gets in so that is exciting! With a little luck I might even get to see him compete in one last track meet.
I'll also be going to Pelican Rapids again for my 11th trip so that will be exciting after missing last year. But right now, all I can think about is how close I am to being completely finished with these applications and how happy I'll be when they are finally off my plate. I've had these three on my radar for over six months.
Til next time!
18.5.11
NBC's fall lineup = Everyone else's hits
Anyone else think that NBC is just trying to make their own versions of hit shows? Maybe it will work, but if you're just copying the best, you'll never be number 1. Though I suppose NBC would settle for not being last at this point.
On the plus side, it makes it easy to decide which "new" shows to watch when you can just match them to the shows you already watch. You can check out trailers here.
My theory:
Grimm = Supernatural
Same timeslot even, subtle. Throw in Fringe in the same timeslot too, and it's hard to see how this show can carve out any kind of niche of it's own. They're behind the eight ball on this one.
The Playboy Club = Mad Men
This could work since it seems to be more low brow than Mad Men, which is good since it's on NBC. Even has a little gangster action thrown in for good measure. May be the most likely to succeed in their new fall lineup.
Up All Night = Raising Hope
Different setup but the whole "raising a baby when we're horribly underqualified" thing is still there. I love Christina Applegate and Will Arnett though so kind of hope this is good still. Not getting my hopes up though.
Smash = Glee
Well, Glee for adults. Adult drama replaces high school drama and there's lots of song and dance. Looks promising actually, but is slated for midseason.
Prime Suspect = Literally a remake of a UK show
Could be ok. But don't see how Maria Bello can fill the shoes of Helen Mirren. Was probably more relevant in 1991 as well.
Awake = Journeyman?
This one looks really, really, really interesting. Admittedly this is a unique version of a familiar story (that has rarely succeeded in the past) but the trailer is by far the most interesting of any I've watched (for any network). The tone feels like nothing else on TV. That said, I have every faith that NBC will screw it up.
*Obviously none of these shows are carbon copies but they are all too close for comfort to me.
P.S. Whoever approved ABC's "Work It" should be shot. I can't believe that was actually produced much less green lit. Then again, this is the same network that green lit a show based on the Geico Cavemen so I guess I shouldn't be surprised...
On the plus side, it makes it easy to decide which "new" shows to watch when you can just match them to the shows you already watch. You can check out trailers here.
My theory:
Grimm = Supernatural
Same timeslot even, subtle. Throw in Fringe in the same timeslot too, and it's hard to see how this show can carve out any kind of niche of it's own. They're behind the eight ball on this one.
The Playboy Club = Mad Men
This could work since it seems to be more low brow than Mad Men, which is good since it's on NBC. Even has a little gangster action thrown in for good measure. May be the most likely to succeed in their new fall lineup.
Up All Night = Raising Hope
Different setup but the whole "raising a baby when we're horribly underqualified" thing is still there. I love Christina Applegate and Will Arnett though so kind of hope this is good still. Not getting my hopes up though.
Smash = Glee
Well, Glee for adults. Adult drama replaces high school drama and there's lots of song and dance. Looks promising actually, but is slated for midseason.
Prime Suspect = Literally a remake of a UK show
Could be ok. But don't see how Maria Bello can fill the shoes of Helen Mirren. Was probably more relevant in 1991 as well.
Awake = Journeyman?
This one looks really, really, really interesting. Admittedly this is a unique version of a familiar story (that has rarely succeeded in the past) but the trailer is by far the most interesting of any I've watched (for any network). The tone feels like nothing else on TV. That said, I have every faith that NBC will screw it up.
*Obviously none of these shows are carbon copies but they are all too close for comfort to me.
P.S. Whoever approved ABC's "Work It" should be shot. I can't believe that was actually produced much less green lit. Then again, this is the same network that green lit a show based on the Geico Cavemen so I guess I shouldn't be surprised...
19.4.11
Some Nihilist Prose
I am a bullet. I rip through you with no regard for the damage I've done. I barely slow down on my way out. Why should I be bothered? There is no future for me. If I slow down I will die. And I will slow down. It's just physics. So this is all there is for me in the end; do as much damage as I can and take something out with me. Get out of my way if you can.
And what? You want me to feel remorse for what I've done? I was always headed for this moment. I was created for it even. To live a brilliant flash of a life, gone faster than the blink of an eye, but with more excitement than most people experience in a lifetime.
But I still love. I still feel. You could say I'm having a bit of an existential breakdown here in my brief moment of glory. I think of the ones I left behind. I think of how little lies ahead. I speed on to oblivion but, even now, I feel my rotation begin to slow. My trajectory starts to fail and I am in free fall. What kind of legacy am I leaving behind? Who will remember me when I'm gone? Just the ones that I hurt as I flew by them. Isn't that how it goes though? The ones that remember you the most when you're gone are the ones you left scarred.
And now there is this. I am a bullet. But I am also a man. Get out of my way if you can.
*disclaimer* This was inspired by Showtime's "Californication". It does not reflect my own feelings on the world but I just finished watching the series and felt I needed to get this out.
And what? You want me to feel remorse for what I've done? I was always headed for this moment. I was created for it even. To live a brilliant flash of a life, gone faster than the blink of an eye, but with more excitement than most people experience in a lifetime.
But I still love. I still feel. You could say I'm having a bit of an existential breakdown here in my brief moment of glory. I think of the ones I left behind. I think of how little lies ahead. I speed on to oblivion but, even now, I feel my rotation begin to slow. My trajectory starts to fail and I am in free fall. What kind of legacy am I leaving behind? Who will remember me when I'm gone? Just the ones that I hurt as I flew by them. Isn't that how it goes though? The ones that remember you the most when you're gone are the ones you left scarred.
And now there is this. I am a bullet. But I am also a man. Get out of my way if you can.
*disclaimer* This was inspired by Showtime's "Californication". It does not reflect my own feelings on the world but I just finished watching the series and felt I needed to get this out.
14.4.11
No Matter Where I Start, I Always End Up in the Same Place
Fatigue sets in at the most unexpected times. Sitting at my computer, laying on the couch...driving down the freeway. But almost never when my head hits the pillow of my bed. Truth is I've always struggled to find sleep when I go looking for it. Why is that? Perhaps it is symbolic though. Often the things we seek most in life elude us. And it is not for it's elusiveness but for the fervency of our seeking.
I've heard it said many times that love comes when you least expect it. And though it's bordering on cliche (the analogy of holding a butterfly in your hand comes immediately to mind, followed shortly by my dinner to my throat), I have actually observed the phenomenon on many occasions. But if this is true, it's just another example. When we seek after love it eludes us until we cease giving chase. Like dealing with a frightened animal, we must calm our spirits and allow the quarry to come to us (love is the animal, not women).
But why? Why is it that the things we seek are nearly impossible to grasp until we stop reaching for them? Sometimes it's simple. In sleeping, my concentration and single-mindedness keeps my mind focused. Focused on a single thought my mind is unable to let go. It's not until I stop trying to sleep that I finally find it. Love on the other hand is more complicated. A lot more complicated and surely, as one who has yet to experience romantic love, beyond my abilites to relate. But I shall try nonetheless.
Whether you believe in it or not, let's suppose for this discussion that there is such a thing as destiny. Destiny that says, "In my life I am destined to find a single person to love for the rest of my life, and who will love me in kind". We desire this notion and, as with most things man desires, we set out to acquire it. But the pursuit of this person makes me do, say and be things that are not right. That are not true. That are not me. Perhaps God, or fate, or the cosmos or whatever/whoever is behind the notion of destiny, works the timing of these events so that we encounter (or meet for the first time) the perfect person for us just as we have let go of the pursuit and can no longer be run by our neuroses and insecurities.
Many who seek love fancy themselves chefs. They follow recipes and study all the books so they can learn how to prepare their own slice of love, soaked in their marinades and spices to become what they want it to be. But those who have loved for a lifetime know that love does not marinate. It can not be cooked or prepared. No, rather it is the marinade. And we marinate in it. It soaks into us and changes us to the core in irreversible ways. It changes our flavor. But only when the timing is right and when the chef says we're ready.
I've heard it said many times that love comes when you least expect it. And though it's bordering on cliche (the analogy of holding a butterfly in your hand comes immediately to mind, followed shortly by my dinner to my throat), I have actually observed the phenomenon on many occasions. But if this is true, it's just another example. When we seek after love it eludes us until we cease giving chase. Like dealing with a frightened animal, we must calm our spirits and allow the quarry to come to us (love is the animal, not women).
But why? Why is it that the things we seek are nearly impossible to grasp until we stop reaching for them? Sometimes it's simple. In sleeping, my concentration and single-mindedness keeps my mind focused. Focused on a single thought my mind is unable to let go. It's not until I stop trying to sleep that I finally find it. Love on the other hand is more complicated. A lot more complicated and surely, as one who has yet to experience romantic love, beyond my abilites to relate. But I shall try nonetheless.
Whether you believe in it or not, let's suppose for this discussion that there is such a thing as destiny. Destiny that says, "In my life I am destined to find a single person to love for the rest of my life, and who will love me in kind". We desire this notion and, as with most things man desires, we set out to acquire it. But the pursuit of this person makes me do, say and be things that are not right. That are not true. That are not me. Perhaps God, or fate, or the cosmos or whatever/whoever is behind the notion of destiny, works the timing of these events so that we encounter (or meet for the first time) the perfect person for us just as we have let go of the pursuit and can no longer be run by our neuroses and insecurities.
Many who seek love fancy themselves chefs. They follow recipes and study all the books so they can learn how to prepare their own slice of love, soaked in their marinades and spices to become what they want it to be. But those who have loved for a lifetime know that love does not marinate. It can not be cooked or prepared. No, rather it is the marinade. And we marinate in it. It soaks into us and changes us to the core in irreversible ways. It changes our flavor. But only when the timing is right and when the chef says we're ready.
11.4.11
My Thoughts "In the Middle of the Night"
When people tell you you're not good enough for long enough you start to believe them. I can't write, I can't do good work, I'm not attractive, I'm not smart. Sometimes it's like my mind is a fortress and these doubts are clamoring at the gates. When enough of them line up they can break down the doors and run roughshod around my mind. Sometimes the citizens of my own mind turn against me and join the intruders. My spirit, my heart, my soul, whatever you want to call it, is the besieged king holed up in the deepest tower. He has a single window that shines rays of hope and beauty occasionally into his world (art, friendship, etc.) but his surroundings are an ever constant reminder that his own citizens have begun to turn against him. Can anyone save him? Or does this revolution just need to be weathered like every passing storm? Alas that I am not alone in these troubles. And they will surely be forgotten as wartime in peace when the veil is lifted again. But they are worth noting and I do so here (though the hour is late). The better to defense myself in the future.
I haven't been writing enough. Writing is therapeutic and relieves my wearied mind. It puts my thoughts in order and gives me a full view of the battlefield formerly obscured by smoke. Writing is good. I think I have a tendency to put far too much pressure on my writing to be good and meaningful and noteworthy when really all it has to be is there. It doesn't have to be a script. It doesn't have to be a blog or news article. It just has to be. Writing isn't relevant on purpose. I'm going to start writing more.
I haven't been writing enough. Writing is therapeutic and relieves my wearied mind. It puts my thoughts in order and gives me a full view of the battlefield formerly obscured by smoke. Writing is good. I think I have a tendency to put far too much pressure on my writing to be good and meaningful and noteworthy when really all it has to be is there. It doesn't have to be a script. It doesn't have to be a blog or news article. It just has to be. Writing isn't relevant on purpose. I'm going to start writing more.
23.3.11
Slow to Anger?
My Bible study group has been studying James recently and the subject of anger has been on my mind some. Specifically the verse where James says, "...Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20) Now it seems to me that this is saying something that I have observed independently for many years. Namely that most anger and fighting can be traced back to miscommunication.
Everyone knows that "communication is the key to a successful relationship" and that is one of the truest and most easily disregarded statements in the world. I can't tell you how many arguments or fights I've observed from the outside knowing that if the two people involved would just slow their anger train and understand what is actually being said they'd realize that they are actually on the same side (or very nearly). Of course other times, it's just inadequacies in our own language or even our own ability to wield it accurately. In short, nothing to get angry over.
How many times have you realized this yourself? Or how many times have you been fighting with someone and not known yourself why you were angry? Or that you were upset about something/someone else? Or even that you were really mad at yourself? How many times are your real motives selfishness and pride? How often after you get angry about something do you realize that it was petty and silly later? Even anger over legitimate hurt is often an issue of miscommunication or someone unjustifiably taking anger out on you. I submit to you that a vast majority of human anger falls into these categories. I also challenge you (and myself) to answer the following; Is any of the anger in these categories just?
No. It's not. Period. James doesn't pussyfoot around with it either because he is directly addressing these situations. He says "...human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." Not that it is not conducive to it. Not that it doesn't always. Strict and clear, human anger is utterly flawed and leads to sin. When you look at the root, I would even go so far as to argue that all human anger is, in and of itself, a sin. "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander..." (Col 3:8).
People sometimes talk about how "It's ok for a Christian to get angry. There is nothing inherently sinful or wrong with it. Even Jesus got angry at the money changers at the Temple. So it's ok to get angry with someone as long as you don't sin." And that is true. Anger is not inherently evil. In some circumstances it can be quite beneficial even. Now this may sound like a contradiction but remember what I said about language inadequacies. We need to recognize that there are three different things that we use that word for and for which there is no other word in our language; Holy Anger, Human Anger and Anger in the general sense that encompasses the emotional and physiological reaction without any deference to cause. Human Anger is inherently wrong. Holy anger, and by association anger in general, are not.
I think we need to look a little more closely at this example of Christ's anger before we start using it as justification for our feelings/actions/outbursts though. Jesus got angry because humans had turned his "Father's House into a den of thieves". They had profaned a holy thing. And I think it is here that we find the truth that separates Human Anger from Holy Anger. The things that we should be angry about are things like injustice, ignorance, hatred and greed. The true wrongs of this world. Real evil. These are some of the things that should provoke a righteous anger in us. And you know what I'm talking about because this kind of anger really does feel different.
Here are just a few contemporary examples of things I believe God wants us to be angry about:
- There are people in this country that stole billions of dollars and ruined the world economy, leaving many millions without jobs. Not one of those people have seen the inside of a jail cell. They likely never will (talk about a den of thieves).
- 681 miles away from American soil is Haiti, the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
- There are over 60 million orphans in Africa.
- There are more slaves in the world today than at any other time in human history. While we'd like to pretend that America is past that, there are in fact still tens of thousands of slaves in America today.
- Currently, across America, between 100,000 and 300,000 minors are victims of sex trafficking. A majority are American citizens. (btw, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsY93C8cm54)
- Minnesota alone saw a 55% increase in sex trafficking in 2010.
That's what we should become angry about (though there are certainly smaller things to be angry about too). Not the human anger that flashes hot and hurts the people around us (as well as ourselves) and that James beseeches us to avoid (the slow allows for human failure, it doesn't excuse it). The kind of anger that is deeply ingrained in us. Because anger that is burning in our core lasts (this is not to say that all anger we put in our heart is just, only that it is where just anger naturally lives) and anger that lasts motivates us to change (does anything else?). It was that kind of anger that drove change during the civil rights movement.
I think that God wants our hearts to be broken by the things that break his heart. And I think that many of the things that break God's heart should make us angry. Sadness brings about pity and apathy. You're sad about things you feel are out of your control. With things like acts of nature (the earthquake in Haiti and devastating Tsunamis in the Pacifc) or one time events (terror attacks, tragic death), sometimes that is the only response because things really are out of your control.
But anger brings about change. You're angry because something needs to be stopped and isn't. Did Jesus see the money changers and say "Oh, that's so sad. If only I could do something about it. But it's so big, what can I do." No! He got angry and did something about it.
I'll leave you with these verses...
"If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them." James 4:17
And if you don't know the good you ought to do...
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5
Everyone knows that "communication is the key to a successful relationship" and that is one of the truest and most easily disregarded statements in the world. I can't tell you how many arguments or fights I've observed from the outside knowing that if the two people involved would just slow their anger train and understand what is actually being said they'd realize that they are actually on the same side (or very nearly). Of course other times, it's just inadequacies in our own language or even our own ability to wield it accurately. In short, nothing to get angry over.
How many times have you realized this yourself? Or how many times have you been fighting with someone and not known yourself why you were angry? Or that you were upset about something/someone else? Or even that you were really mad at yourself? How many times are your real motives selfishness and pride? How often after you get angry about something do you realize that it was petty and silly later? Even anger over legitimate hurt is often an issue of miscommunication or someone unjustifiably taking anger out on you. I submit to you that a vast majority of human anger falls into these categories. I also challenge you (and myself) to answer the following; Is any of the anger in these categories just?
No. It's not. Period. James doesn't pussyfoot around with it either because he is directly addressing these situations. He says "...human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." Not that it is not conducive to it. Not that it doesn't always. Strict and clear, human anger is utterly flawed and leads to sin. When you look at the root, I would even go so far as to argue that all human anger is, in and of itself, a sin. "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander..." (Col 3:8).
People sometimes talk about how "It's ok for a Christian to get angry. There is nothing inherently sinful or wrong with it. Even Jesus got angry at the money changers at the Temple. So it's ok to get angry with someone as long as you don't sin." And that is true. Anger is not inherently evil. In some circumstances it can be quite beneficial even. Now this may sound like a contradiction but remember what I said about language inadequacies. We need to recognize that there are three different things that we use that word for and for which there is no other word in our language; Holy Anger, Human Anger and Anger in the general sense that encompasses the emotional and physiological reaction without any deference to cause. Human Anger is inherently wrong. Holy anger, and by association anger in general, are not.
I think we need to look a little more closely at this example of Christ's anger before we start using it as justification for our feelings/actions/outbursts though. Jesus got angry because humans had turned his "Father's House into a den of thieves". They had profaned a holy thing. And I think it is here that we find the truth that separates Human Anger from Holy Anger. The things that we should be angry about are things like injustice, ignorance, hatred and greed. The true wrongs of this world. Real evil. These are some of the things that should provoke a righteous anger in us. And you know what I'm talking about because this kind of anger really does feel different.
Here are just a few contemporary examples of things I believe God wants us to be angry about:
- There are people in this country that stole billions of dollars and ruined the world economy, leaving many millions without jobs. Not one of those people have seen the inside of a jail cell. They likely never will (talk about a den of thieves).
- 681 miles away from American soil is Haiti, the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
- There are over 60 million orphans in Africa.
- There are more slaves in the world today than at any other time in human history. While we'd like to pretend that America is past that, there are in fact still tens of thousands of slaves in America today.
- Currently, across America, between 100,000 and 300,000 minors are victims of sex trafficking. A majority are American citizens. (btw, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsY93C8cm54)
- Minnesota alone saw a 55% increase in sex trafficking in 2010.
That's what we should become angry about (though there are certainly smaller things to be angry about too). Not the human anger that flashes hot and hurts the people around us (as well as ourselves) and that James beseeches us to avoid (the slow allows for human failure, it doesn't excuse it). The kind of anger that is deeply ingrained in us. Because anger that is burning in our core lasts (this is not to say that all anger we put in our heart is just, only that it is where just anger naturally lives) and anger that lasts motivates us to change (does anything else?). It was that kind of anger that drove change during the civil rights movement.
I think that God wants our hearts to be broken by the things that break his heart. And I think that many of the things that break God's heart should make us angry. Sadness brings about pity and apathy. You're sad about things you feel are out of your control. With things like acts of nature (the earthquake in Haiti and devastating Tsunamis in the Pacifc) or one time events (terror attacks, tragic death), sometimes that is the only response because things really are out of your control.
But anger brings about change. You're angry because something needs to be stopped and isn't. Did Jesus see the money changers and say "Oh, that's so sad. If only I could do something about it. But it's so big, what can I do." No! He got angry and did something about it.
I'll leave you with these verses...
"If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them." James 4:17
And if you don't know the good you ought to do...
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5
18.3.11
Fighting My Inner Saboteur
The biggest challenge I face in my writing is fighting my Inner Saboteur. His cousin Inner Critic and I have plenty of issues we're working through ourselves, but I recognize his value. The Inner Critic can be constructive if you learn when to listen to him. Many a bad joke or poorly phrased line of dialogue has been thrown out thanks to his advice.
My Inner Saboteur, on the other hand, does just what you'd expect. Usually, it's just a matter of willing myself past distractions and delusions he throws in my way. But I have identified an area of my life where he may still hold the upper hand.
My screenwriting teacher at LAFSC had a saying, "Thinking about writing isn't writing, only writing is writing." In this case, he specifically means "pages". That is to say, if I'm not writing pages of my script, I'm not really writing (it's also worth noting he suggested that we must spend 5-10 hours a day "writing" to be real writers). I struggled with this adage for many, many months. While it sounds good at first, I have to fundamentally disagree with it in every way. I put dozens of hours of prep work into my writing. And yes, some of that prep work is done in my mind, some by jotting notes or saving text message drafts with short notes (I currently have about 60 text messages saved in my drafts for just this purpose). But there is a reason for it (just like there is a reason for this tangent about my screenwriting prof). It's because when I put something to page in written form, it's very tangible and real and very hard to change. It cements the idea in my mind. In college, I'd literally study for tests by copying my notes by hand (at least for classes where the info didn't quite stick the first time I wrote those notes, which was only a handful of classes). The connection between my hand and my brain has always been strong like that.
While I've come to grips with that saying, which drove me a little nuts for about 2 months during my time at LAFSC (does homework for other classes count as writing!? I shouldn't be eating, I should be writing! yes, those were actual thoughts I had), it brings me around to my original topic. While writing down notes and ideas really has a way of cementing something in my mind, nothing quite cements to me like script pages. Once those words hit the page, they begin to quickly dry in that shape. Now I don't necessarily mean dialogue and action lines and things like that. I mean mostly the story structure, the plot points and the order the story unfolds. Once I start writing something as the first page, it's very difficult for me to displace that scene from page 1 no matter how many rewrites I attempt.
And here is where the Inner Saboteur strikes me hardest. For the last several days I've been essentially ready to start writing script pages on my new spec script...and gotten nothing done. I haven't even started a document for it. In fact, this Inner Saboteur is so effective that he keeps me from even thinking about the script at all. I forget all about it for hours at a time. And this isn't something new. It has prevented my progress with every script I've ever written (admittedly, still a small sampling).
And yet, perhaps there is good to be gleaned from the Inner Saboteur as well. My delay has helped me to delve deeper into my story and really flesh it out. Maybe the Inner Saboteur knows of my cementing nature and works to prevent me from jumping into a story before it is ready. I made several breakthroughs tonight that made this script make a lot more sense (one whole storyline was very vaguely drawn up and wasn't working for days of preparation and meditation).
My awareness gives me the upper hand. Knowing what I'm fighting makes it easier to fight. Knowing that I'm fighting makes it easier to fight. But that's the value of deadlines. Having contests to submit this script to gives me a back end and keeps me focused. Procrastinators need a deadline or they'd put things off forever. Mine is just two months away. It's been fun, and a little enlightening Saboteur, but it's time to get back to work.
My Inner Saboteur, on the other hand, does just what you'd expect. Usually, it's just a matter of willing myself past distractions and delusions he throws in my way. But I have identified an area of my life where he may still hold the upper hand.
My screenwriting teacher at LAFSC had a saying, "Thinking about writing isn't writing, only writing is writing." In this case, he specifically means "pages". That is to say, if I'm not writing pages of my script, I'm not really writing (it's also worth noting he suggested that we must spend 5-10 hours a day "writing" to be real writers). I struggled with this adage for many, many months. While it sounds good at first, I have to fundamentally disagree with it in every way. I put dozens of hours of prep work into my writing. And yes, some of that prep work is done in my mind, some by jotting notes or saving text message drafts with short notes (I currently have about 60 text messages saved in my drafts for just this purpose). But there is a reason for it (just like there is a reason for this tangent about my screenwriting prof). It's because when I put something to page in written form, it's very tangible and real and very hard to change. It cements the idea in my mind. In college, I'd literally study for tests by copying my notes by hand (at least for classes where the info didn't quite stick the first time I wrote those notes, which was only a handful of classes). The connection between my hand and my brain has always been strong like that.
While I've come to grips with that saying, which drove me a little nuts for about 2 months during my time at LAFSC (does homework for other classes count as writing!? I shouldn't be eating, I should be writing! yes, those were actual thoughts I had), it brings me around to my original topic. While writing down notes and ideas really has a way of cementing something in my mind, nothing quite cements to me like script pages. Once those words hit the page, they begin to quickly dry in that shape. Now I don't necessarily mean dialogue and action lines and things like that. I mean mostly the story structure, the plot points and the order the story unfolds. Once I start writing something as the first page, it's very difficult for me to displace that scene from page 1 no matter how many rewrites I attempt.
And here is where the Inner Saboteur strikes me hardest. For the last several days I've been essentially ready to start writing script pages on my new spec script...and gotten nothing done. I haven't even started a document for it. In fact, this Inner Saboteur is so effective that he keeps me from even thinking about the script at all. I forget all about it for hours at a time. And this isn't something new. It has prevented my progress with every script I've ever written (admittedly, still a small sampling).
And yet, perhaps there is good to be gleaned from the Inner Saboteur as well. My delay has helped me to delve deeper into my story and really flesh it out. Maybe the Inner Saboteur knows of my cementing nature and works to prevent me from jumping into a story before it is ready. I made several breakthroughs tonight that made this script make a lot more sense (one whole storyline was very vaguely drawn up and wasn't working for days of preparation and meditation).
My awareness gives me the upper hand. Knowing what I'm fighting makes it easier to fight. Knowing that I'm fighting makes it easier to fight. But that's the value of deadlines. Having contests to submit this script to gives me a back end and keeps me focused. Procrastinators need a deadline or they'd put things off forever. Mine is just two months away. It's been fun, and a little enlightening Saboteur, but it's time to get back to work.
11.3.11
What have you been up to?
While I've enjoyed posting some of my prose on this blog, it has come to my attention that I haven't told you anything new about what I've been up to in the meantime. A long meantime.
Towards the end of January I had the privilege of joining my family in Arizona for an extended weekend trip to visit my grandparents. It had been about 10 years since we visited them there (they spend most of the year in MN so it's not like I haven't seen them during that time). It was a wonderful experience for me, who is always facing a shortage of family time. We had In N Out, went to a flea market, went hiking and just all around had a good time relaxing and enjoying some rare time together. I also got to see my friend Thomas Finn, who is going to school in Arizona. So that was pretty great too. It was a nice break for me coming off my big rewrite for "Beat" and helped me recharge to dive back into it when I got back to California.
Which is exactly what I did. I've finished 2 more rewrites since I've returned and it keeps getting better. But it wasn't long after I got back that my friend Tim Van De Walker came to visit for two weeks! It was a long visit but Tim is making plans to move to Burbank himself in the next couple months (possibly as early as April 1st) and so it was mostly a functional trip, as opposed to vacation. It is always nice to have Tim around and I am very excited for his impending move.
Not 2 days after I put Tim on a plane back to Minnesota, my mom and sister made their (now) annual pilgrimage to Burbank. It was barely more than a month since I'd seen them in Arizona but it was very good to have them here. As I said before, I am always lacking on family time and this was a wonderful treat anytime of year. My mom makes more money these days than when she was home raising us kids so she seems intent on spoiling me like she never was able to when I was little :)
All in all it's been a good couple of months. No where near enough work still but I've come to terms with it for now and am trying to make the best of it by focusing on writing. I'm on pace to submit my pilot to a contest early next month and I've begun work on a "Modern Family" spec script for contest submission to several contests starting in May. Obviously winning any of those contests would be a huge boon to my career, but I am fully aware that it's more of a crapshoot and not much of a valid career path. But I figure if I have a shot at advancing my career, might as well take that shot, right?
They say that everyone in this town gets their shot at a big break sometime. The problem is that most people aren't ready for it when it comes and miss out. I'm just trying my best to be ready for it, if it ever comes along. If I don't win those contests, I'll still have 2 half hour, single camera comedy scripts (one original and one spec) that will make for a nice pairing if I want to try to get representation. That is also probably a long shot, but no harm in throwing out some lines to see what I can catch.
That more or less sums up the biggest stuff that I've had going on the last two months. I'm nearly finished with "Beat" (good thing too, the contest deadline is in a month) and I'm hoping to start focusing exclusively on my Modern Family spec in the next couple of days. I won't have a terribly long time to work on it and it's the one I'll be submitting to the most contests, so pray for inspiration.
p.s. For those not "down with the lingo", in the TV world, a "spec script" is where you write a script for an existing show to show you can imitate the voice of that show and its characters. It's "on spec" which means you won't be paid for it (and it will never actually be made) but it is an integral part of a writer's portfolio if they want to get into television writing.
Towards the end of January I had the privilege of joining my family in Arizona for an extended weekend trip to visit my grandparents. It had been about 10 years since we visited them there (they spend most of the year in MN so it's not like I haven't seen them during that time). It was a wonderful experience for me, who is always facing a shortage of family time. We had In N Out, went to a flea market, went hiking and just all around had a good time relaxing and enjoying some rare time together. I also got to see my friend Thomas Finn, who is going to school in Arizona. So that was pretty great too. It was a nice break for me coming off my big rewrite for "Beat" and helped me recharge to dive back into it when I got back to California.
Which is exactly what I did. I've finished 2 more rewrites since I've returned and it keeps getting better. But it wasn't long after I got back that my friend Tim Van De Walker came to visit for two weeks! It was a long visit but Tim is making plans to move to Burbank himself in the next couple months (possibly as early as April 1st) and so it was mostly a functional trip, as opposed to vacation. It is always nice to have Tim around and I am very excited for his impending move.
Not 2 days after I put Tim on a plane back to Minnesota, my mom and sister made their (now) annual pilgrimage to Burbank. It was barely more than a month since I'd seen them in Arizona but it was very good to have them here. As I said before, I am always lacking on family time and this was a wonderful treat anytime of year. My mom makes more money these days than when she was home raising us kids so she seems intent on spoiling me like she never was able to when I was little :)
All in all it's been a good couple of months. No where near enough work still but I've come to terms with it for now and am trying to make the best of it by focusing on writing. I'm on pace to submit my pilot to a contest early next month and I've begun work on a "Modern Family" spec script for contest submission to several contests starting in May. Obviously winning any of those contests would be a huge boon to my career, but I am fully aware that it's more of a crapshoot and not much of a valid career path. But I figure if I have a shot at advancing my career, might as well take that shot, right?
They say that everyone in this town gets their shot at a big break sometime. The problem is that most people aren't ready for it when it comes and miss out. I'm just trying my best to be ready for it, if it ever comes along. If I don't win those contests, I'll still have 2 half hour, single camera comedy scripts (one original and one spec) that will make for a nice pairing if I want to try to get representation. That is also probably a long shot, but no harm in throwing out some lines to see what I can catch.
That more or less sums up the biggest stuff that I've had going on the last two months. I'm nearly finished with "Beat" (good thing too, the contest deadline is in a month) and I'm hoping to start focusing exclusively on my Modern Family spec in the next couple of days. I won't have a terribly long time to work on it and it's the one I'll be submitting to the most contests, so pray for inspiration.
p.s. For those not "down with the lingo", in the TV world, a "spec script" is where you write a script for an existing show to show you can imitate the voice of that show and its characters. It's "on spec" which means you won't be paid for it (and it will never actually be made) but it is an integral part of a writer's portfolio if they want to get into television writing.
14.2.11
More thoughts on love
Mankind's capacity for selfishness doesn't interest me. I am all too familiar with the vile thing. I need not look any further than my most secret desires to confirm that man is, in his natural state, inherently and passionately selfish.
No what interests me, and is by far the worthier study, is man's capacity for love. It is all at once the most natural and most foreign thing to man's fundamental nature. The boundaries of love are still undiscovered by mankind and it's true abilities are still not fully understood. I don't believe there is a man born capable of such exploration.
Love conquers and heals. It terrifies and comforts. It's universal, yet deeply, deeply personal. It's a paradox worthy of the greatest mind, yet understood by an infant. Surely there is nothing greater in the whole of existence.
So why should a man dwell on the bile when he can seek after the transcendent? Why tell self indulgent stories of vice when the unexplored country lies beyond? While art is meant to show us who we are, perhaps the greatest art is meant to yearn after mankind's great potential. I, for one, prefer the latter.
No what interests me, and is by far the worthier study, is man's capacity for love. It is all at once the most natural and most foreign thing to man's fundamental nature. The boundaries of love are still undiscovered by mankind and it's true abilities are still not fully understood. I don't believe there is a man born capable of such exploration.
Love conquers and heals. It terrifies and comforts. It's universal, yet deeply, deeply personal. It's a paradox worthy of the greatest mind, yet understood by an infant. Surely there is nothing greater in the whole of existence.
So why should a man dwell on the bile when he can seek after the transcendent? Why tell self indulgent stories of vice when the unexplored country lies beyond? While art is meant to show us who we are, perhaps the greatest art is meant to yearn after mankind's great potential. I, for one, prefer the latter.
28.1.11
It's 2 a.m....
It's 2 a.m. I lay in bed, my heart pounding in my chest like the steady, easy pace of a stampede. Can I sleep? Should I even try? It is, perhaps, in this witching hour, that my pen can truly fly unfettered.
They say that love is a many splendored thing. But as with any unquantifiably beautiful thing, it holds the sinister notion of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear that love will be everything the poets wrote about...and that you are a wretched and undeserving thing.
But perhaps this is love's greatest achievement. Love doesn't conquer those fears, but rather turns them into trifles. Childish ghost stories, no more threatening than the mysterious wraiths that once haunted our nursery. Nothing more now, than shadows on a wall and laughter at the ignorance of youth.
Yes, love conquers all. But only if we open our hearts and find a way to allow it to.
They say that love is a many splendored thing. But as with any unquantifiably beautiful thing, it holds the sinister notion of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear that love will be everything the poets wrote about...and that you are a wretched and undeserving thing.
But perhaps this is love's greatest achievement. Love doesn't conquer those fears, but rather turns them into trifles. Childish ghost stories, no more threatening than the mysterious wraiths that once haunted our nursery. Nothing more now, than shadows on a wall and laughter at the ignorance of youth.
Yes, love conquers all. But only if we open our hearts and find a way to allow it to.
19.1.11
One down, many more to go
Well I finished the 2nd draft of my sitcom yesterday. Technically, it's the first complete draft as my 1st draft was missing several pages that I simply "didn't get to". Yea, I don't really buy it either.
The truth is that writing is an incredibly scary thing. On one hand, art is an intensely personal thing and it shouldn't really matter much what others think of it. In a very God-like metaphor, it's a personal relationship between creator and creation (I will come back to this in a bit). But on the other hand, art is meant to be enjoyed by the masses as well. Otherwise, why create it? Why not leave it in your head where it's safe and the imperfections are easily glossed over in your mind's eye. Art, even something as main stream as television sitcoms, is the artist baring part of their soul to the world. And the soul, though hard to destroy, is easily bruised.
It's this fear of bruising that can lock up a writer. The more I write the more I start to believe that there is no such thing as "writer's block". Instead, what we often call writer's block is really just the writer allowing fear to freeze their hand. The mind is still working. The hands stop out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of making something unworthy. Fear that the words you're writing are just plain crap. Or maybe it isn't fear, but just a knowledge that the only words that are coming to mind are barely even a sentence. But there is a saying in this industry. Writing is re-writing. It's rare, if ever, that a writer gets the words right on the first go round. Understanding this, accepting and ultimately embracing it is what allows a writer to push through the blocks. Just like a sculptor needs material to carve a statue from, sometimes a writer needs words on a page to start carving out something amazing.
Anyone reading this, the next time you feel "writer's block", continue writing. Swallow the fear of making something bad. You'll have to come back to it but it will be much easier to fix what you have.
Which brings me back around to the God analogy. If everyone is script, God is editing us down to the bare essentials. He wants our story to make sense and ultimately be able to affect lives, but sometimes he has to delete a paragraph here, or add an adjective there. It's not easy, sometimes you rather liked that scene or this one. But God is the greatest story teller of all and he knows what makes the story work, much better than the characters in the story.
In a strange way, this analogy of us being characters in a screenplay God is writing is very accurate. This may seem like an argument for predestination and a lack of free will, but if you've ever written something with characters you know it's usually just the opposite. Characters I'm creating often seem to exist and take on a life of their own independent of my own conscious mind. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep up with them, much less direct where they will go or what they will do. But just like with God and me, I usually have a better sense of what is best for those characters than they do. They may want to go after the girl but I know that it's not meant to be.
Anyways, I think that's enough meditation for one entry. In the news department, I am hoping to have draft 2.1 of "Beat" done by the weekend. I'll be sending it out and getting feedback then. In the meantime, I have come up with a new show that I will begin working on as well. This is a drama this time and I'm very excited by the premise. I won't be sharing it here for the time being, but trust me, this will be a good one. Until next time!
The truth is that writing is an incredibly scary thing. On one hand, art is an intensely personal thing and it shouldn't really matter much what others think of it. In a very God-like metaphor, it's a personal relationship between creator and creation (I will come back to this in a bit). But on the other hand, art is meant to be enjoyed by the masses as well. Otherwise, why create it? Why not leave it in your head where it's safe and the imperfections are easily glossed over in your mind's eye. Art, even something as main stream as television sitcoms, is the artist baring part of their soul to the world. And the soul, though hard to destroy, is easily bruised.
It's this fear of bruising that can lock up a writer. The more I write the more I start to believe that there is no such thing as "writer's block". Instead, what we often call writer's block is really just the writer allowing fear to freeze their hand. The mind is still working. The hands stop out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of making something unworthy. Fear that the words you're writing are just plain crap. Or maybe it isn't fear, but just a knowledge that the only words that are coming to mind are barely even a sentence. But there is a saying in this industry. Writing is re-writing. It's rare, if ever, that a writer gets the words right on the first go round. Understanding this, accepting and ultimately embracing it is what allows a writer to push through the blocks. Just like a sculptor needs material to carve a statue from, sometimes a writer needs words on a page to start carving out something amazing.
Anyone reading this, the next time you feel "writer's block", continue writing. Swallow the fear of making something bad. You'll have to come back to it but it will be much easier to fix what you have.
Which brings me back around to the God analogy. If everyone is script, God is editing us down to the bare essentials. He wants our story to make sense and ultimately be able to affect lives, but sometimes he has to delete a paragraph here, or add an adjective there. It's not easy, sometimes you rather liked that scene or this one. But God is the greatest story teller of all and he knows what makes the story work, much better than the characters in the story.
In a strange way, this analogy of us being characters in a screenplay God is writing is very accurate. This may seem like an argument for predestination and a lack of free will, but if you've ever written something with characters you know it's usually just the opposite. Characters I'm creating often seem to exist and take on a life of their own independent of my own conscious mind. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep up with them, much less direct where they will go or what they will do. But just like with God and me, I usually have a better sense of what is best for those characters than they do. They may want to go after the girl but I know that it's not meant to be.
Anyways, I think that's enough meditation for one entry. In the news department, I am hoping to have draft 2.1 of "Beat" done by the weekend. I'll be sending it out and getting feedback then. In the meantime, I have come up with a new show that I will begin working on as well. This is a drama this time and I'm very excited by the premise. I won't be sharing it here for the time being, but trust me, this will be a good one. Until next time!
10.1.11
Back at it in Burbank
Another year gone. But this year was a different one. It began (more or less) with my move to Los Angeles, just over a year ago now. January 7th was my D-Day of sorts.
Now here I am again, feeling like I've gone very little distance in the last year. I'm still poor and still have no job. I'm still living in the same apartment (though given the first two, that's quite an achievement really).
So in a weird way, this is like trying again. This is almost a second shot at my first year out here, only this time I have my feet under me a little more solidly. Perhaps not financially but certainly maturity and life wise. I've learned a lot over this year, even if it feels like little has changed.
Last year was more about survival, this year I really start my career. I've been writing pretty consistently so far this year. I've made a concerted effort to view that as my first job and to make it a priority every day. Being conscious and purposeful with my writing is the first step in this process of turning, what has essentially been a hobby, into a full fledged career.
I've been working a lot on my sitcom pilot this week. I'm hoping to have it polished within the next few months so it is ready for contests. At the rate I'm going it will be done with months to spare actually. I really feel good about this pilot. Even if it doesn't win the contest, I think it will be bought someday. I'll be sure to tell you all more about it sometime, but after I have it finished and protected. The last thing I need is to have this thing stolen out from under me.
Anyways, that's about enough rambling for now. Until next time (which will hopefully be soon, this counts as writing in my new system too).
Now here I am again, feeling like I've gone very little distance in the last year. I'm still poor and still have no job. I'm still living in the same apartment (though given the first two, that's quite an achievement really).
So in a weird way, this is like trying again. This is almost a second shot at my first year out here, only this time I have my feet under me a little more solidly. Perhaps not financially but certainly maturity and life wise. I've learned a lot over this year, even if it feels like little has changed.
Last year was more about survival, this year I really start my career. I've been writing pretty consistently so far this year. I've made a concerted effort to view that as my first job and to make it a priority every day. Being conscious and purposeful with my writing is the first step in this process of turning, what has essentially been a hobby, into a full fledged career.
I've been working a lot on my sitcom pilot this week. I'm hoping to have it polished within the next few months so it is ready for contests. At the rate I'm going it will be done with months to spare actually. I really feel good about this pilot. Even if it doesn't win the contest, I think it will be bought someday. I'll be sure to tell you all more about it sometime, but after I have it finished and protected. The last thing I need is to have this thing stolen out from under me.
Anyways, that's about enough rambling for now. Until next time (which will hopefully be soon, this counts as writing in my new system too).
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