Some days you're just happy and grateful to be alive. Seriously, you should be every day. But I sincerely doubt that there has ever been anyone in history that didn't take at least one day for granted. Today was not one of those days.
I am just so grateful to be alive and have a life filled with so many blessings. There are so many things I focus on and think of all I don't have, when things like having a roof over my head, a full belly, companionship, love, health and freedom are constants in my life. Thank you God for all the blessings in my life and help me to remember when I'm not in a grateful mood. We are fickle beings.
Today was an excellent day. I went hiking today for several hours with my friend Ali. It was a great time as I did Runyon Canyon and hiked up behind the Hollywood sign (separate hikes). My legs are not entirely excited about the day, but they'll get over it in short order. My working out has started to pay dividends for me as I am quite certain I couldn't have handled those hikes nearly as well (if at all) just two months ago. I was tired when I was done, but I'm pretty sure I could have easily hiked for another couple hours too. Long live healthier Luke!
After hiking we went to a restaurant called "The Griddle", a place I'd heard a lot about in the last few months but never had occasion (or money) to go there. But my mom sent me some happy money for Thanksgiving, so I figured, "No time like the present!". Let me just say that it definitely lived up to it's reputation. The French toast I had was insanely good. I don't know how, but it almost literally melted in my mouth. So good. So for all you friends and family reading this from the non-LA area, I have a new place to take visitors!
I also received a call today from a production called "Locked In", a new pilot for the History channel. Tim had submitted us for the casting call and they are interested in having us on. The show's basic premise is they lock teams of three in a hardware store over night (6pm-4am) and give them building challenges. We will have full access to all the tools and building materials we could want. It sounds like an awesome night to me and I'm really excited about doing it. Also, it pays $90 which isn't too shabby for building random stuff with my friends.
We are submitting more materials but it sounds like they really want us on the show. I'll keep you all up to date on that though.
Other than that, not a lot to say about today. Some days you're just happy. God bless!
p.s. Just a few minutes ago, Super Apartment Bros. reached it's 300th subscription in the last 7 days! It's a new record and blows away the old best by a substantial amount. Still got 11 hours to go to complete the week, so we will see how we end up with that.
28.11.12
26.11.12
The Faith of A Mustard Seed: Combining Parables
I was thinking today. About mustard seeds. Jesus famously twice made mention of mustard seeds in his parables. In Matthew 17:20 he talks about how "faith as big as a mustard seed" can move mountains. And in Matthew 13:31-32, Jesus compares the Kingdom of Heaven to a mustard seed, that grows from something small into a mighty tree, where birds take shelter. The stories appear in other Gospels as well, though I'm just gonna go with Matthew for now.
These are two of Jesus' most famous teachings and anyone that grew up in a church has surely heard them before. But as I said before, I was thinking about these parables today. In conjunction. Warning: this is more of an illustration, postulation discussion than a strictly theologically sound one (I feel somewhat wary about combining separate passages in general, but I like this so I'm gonna try it out here). For serious theological advice, consult someone with an M.Div...
First of all, I've always thought that the mustard seed reference to "moving mountains" seemed a little extreme. Was this meaning that God would reward the smallest amount of faith with the mightiest of deeds? What then could be done by someone with a lot of faith? Or was this more about how the real power lies with God and not with anything we can do but believe? (very possibly, but like all scripture I think there's more that can be gleaned from it, so stick with me).
It always seemed almost condescending to me how he rebukes his disciples as well. These were the apostles he was talking to. Was he really saying they didn't have a mustard seed's worth of faith? How can we hope to surpass the faith of the men Jesus was closest to on earth, who couldn't even muster a miniscule mustard seed's worth of faith? Or was he really just saying that their faith was too little and trying to illustrate that?
I've been thinking about it in terms of a God that keeps sculpting us and perfecting us throughout our life, even using mistakes we make along the way. I misspoke (miswrote?) before when I called them "the apostles". They weren't really. Not yet. Jesus was still before them and we are told that they were kept from fully understanding all that they saw. They were not "complete" if you will.
Maybe Jesus didn't use the mustard seed in both of these illustrations by accident. I think it was, in fact, done deliberately. Because faith and the Kingdom of God are intertwined. The Kingdom of God is within those that believe.
What I see, when I combine these passages, is Jesus saying "Give me even the smallest amount of faith, faith as small as a lowly mustard seed, and I will make it grow up within you. I will cultivate your faith until it becomes a safe place for those in need of shelter and rest."
In 1 Corinthians 3:7, it says:
These are two of Jesus' most famous teachings and anyone that grew up in a church has surely heard them before. But as I said before, I was thinking about these parables today. In conjunction. Warning: this is more of an illustration, postulation discussion than a strictly theologically sound one (I feel somewhat wary about combining separate passages in general, but I like this so I'm gonna try it out here). For serious theological advice, consult someone with an M.Div...
19 Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”
20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
First of all, I've always thought that the mustard seed reference to "moving mountains" seemed a little extreme. Was this meaning that God would reward the smallest amount of faith with the mightiest of deeds? What then could be done by someone with a lot of faith? Or was this more about how the real power lies with God and not with anything we can do but believe? (very possibly, but like all scripture I think there's more that can be gleaned from it, so stick with me).
It always seemed almost condescending to me how he rebukes his disciples as well. These were the apostles he was talking to. Was he really saying they didn't have a mustard seed's worth of faith? How can we hope to surpass the faith of the men Jesus was closest to on earth, who couldn't even muster a miniscule mustard seed's worth of faith? Or was he really just saying that their faith was too little and trying to illustrate that?
I've been thinking about it in terms of a God that keeps sculpting us and perfecting us throughout our life, even using mistakes we make along the way. I misspoke (miswrote?) before when I called them "the apostles". They weren't really. Not yet. Jesus was still before them and we are told that they were kept from fully understanding all that they saw. They were not "complete" if you will.
Maybe Jesus didn't use the mustard seed in both of these illustrations by accident. I think it was, in fact, done deliberately. Because faith and the Kingdom of God are intertwined. The Kingdom of God is within those that believe.
What I see, when I combine these passages, is Jesus saying "Give me even the smallest amount of faith, faith as small as a lowly mustard seed, and I will make it grow up within you. I will cultivate your faith until it becomes a safe place for those in need of shelter and rest."
In 1 Corinthians 3:7, it says:
7 So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.Continue to grow up my faith Lord and help me to move mountains in your name.
24.11.12
Full Day
Yesterday was a full day that left no time for blogging. Sorry if you were waiting for a post.
My friend Kevin Brooks woke me up at 10 am yesterday asking me to go to Black Friday sales with him. Since Kevin doesn't have a car, it may have also been asking me to drive him to Black Friday sales. But whatever.
I hadn't planned on going to Black Friday sales this year because I think they are getting out of hand. But I agreed to go along because I like to help people. It was a dangerous proposition for someone in my financial situation, but the sales really are ridiculous. I ended up buying a couple movies that I'd really been wanting to buy for the last year or two ("Social Network" and "Crazy, Stupid, Love") for just $4 and I managed to find the first four seasons of "Breaking Bad" (one of my favorite shows, and possibly the greatest show ever made) for $10 a piece. That was just too good of a price to pass up. I also bought a few gifts as well. So productive times overall.
I then had to scramble back from shopping to change and get ready for an afternoon hike. It being the day after Thanksgiving, a few of us were eager to burn some calories. We hiked to the top of the Verdguo mountain range behind my apartment. We could see the entire valley, downtown Los Angeles and could even see the ocean if it weren't for the clouds. Took us about 2 hours but we made it up and back down in one piece. More or less...
After that wonderful hike, I had just enough time to shower and catch my breath before heading out for a post-Thanksgiving potluck with my church community group. It was a great time and marked the fourth consecutive day I had Thanksgiving related dinner plans. Again, that hike was really necessary for burning some excess calories ;)
That was basically my whole day, but there was another element as well. On Thanksgiving morning, someone posted about "Super Apartment Bros." on a website called cheezburger.com. In the first 48 hours following the posting, we welcomed 215 new subscribers to our channel (which by itself, would be a new high for a single week for us). It's the kind of thing we've been hoping for more of since the show premiered and we're very grateful for the boost. Our total subscriber base has now topped 860 (for the record, about 500 of those subscribed within the last month) and we're hoping to break 1,000 soon.
We still haven't heard anything from the Machinima Festival we submitted to so I don't know what to make of that. The festival starts next Friday so I would think we'd have heard by now, but I also would think we'd have heard a "no" by now as well. I'm still holding out for hope though (to be fair, Eric has been in an area with no cell reception and no real internet to speak of for the holiday weekend, so it's possible he just hasn't received the message). I, of course, will post as soon as I have any news on that front. No matter what happens, I'm very grateful for the headway we have made already this month.
My friend Kevin Brooks woke me up at 10 am yesterday asking me to go to Black Friday sales with him. Since Kevin doesn't have a car, it may have also been asking me to drive him to Black Friday sales. But whatever.
I hadn't planned on going to Black Friday sales this year because I think they are getting out of hand. But I agreed to go along because I like to help people. It was a dangerous proposition for someone in my financial situation, but the sales really are ridiculous. I ended up buying a couple movies that I'd really been wanting to buy for the last year or two ("Social Network" and "Crazy, Stupid, Love") for just $4 and I managed to find the first four seasons of "Breaking Bad" (one of my favorite shows, and possibly the greatest show ever made) for $10 a piece. That was just too good of a price to pass up. I also bought a few gifts as well. So productive times overall.
I then had to scramble back from shopping to change and get ready for an afternoon hike. It being the day after Thanksgiving, a few of us were eager to burn some calories. We hiked to the top of the Verdguo mountain range behind my apartment. We could see the entire valley, downtown Los Angeles and could even see the ocean if it weren't for the clouds. Took us about 2 hours but we made it up and back down in one piece. More or less...
After that wonderful hike, I had just enough time to shower and catch my breath before heading out for a post-Thanksgiving potluck with my church community group. It was a great time and marked the fourth consecutive day I had Thanksgiving related dinner plans. Again, that hike was really necessary for burning some excess calories ;)
That was basically my whole day, but there was another element as well. On Thanksgiving morning, someone posted about "Super Apartment Bros." on a website called cheezburger.com. In the first 48 hours following the posting, we welcomed 215 new subscribers to our channel (which by itself, would be a new high for a single week for us). It's the kind of thing we've been hoping for more of since the show premiered and we're very grateful for the boost. Our total subscriber base has now topped 860 (for the record, about 500 of those subscribed within the last month) and we're hoping to break 1,000 soon.
We still haven't heard anything from the Machinima Festival we submitted to so I don't know what to make of that. The festival starts next Friday so I would think we'd have heard by now, but I also would think we'd have heard a "no" by now as well. I'm still holding out for hope though (to be fair, Eric has been in an area with no cell reception and no real internet to speak of for the holiday weekend, so it's possible he just hasn't received the message). I, of course, will post as soon as I have any news on that front. No matter what happens, I'm very grateful for the headway we have made already this month.
22.11.12
The Great Paradox
Time to get a little personal here. And some of this I've never told anyone before (I know that's kind of cliche, but I've never even considered talking to someone else about this). But I'm running out of friends who are close enough that I can talk to them about this stuff, so consider yourself fortunate that our paths have crossed here and now in this moment.
Thing I've never told anyone before number 1. I can sense, almost immediately, when a guy is interested in a girl. That moment where "I think she's cute" becomes "I'd like to date her" is as clear as a light bulb physically going off over their head to me. It's not anything about body language, or any kind of conscious thing. I just can sense it, from across the room even. Like their soul is crying out and I can hear it. It catches my attention without even needing to be looking sometimes.
Maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's telepathy. Maybe it's some kind of premonition, sixth sense kind of thing. But it's very real. I can also usually tell when a girl is into a guy, though it usually isn't as quick. Maybe women are more subtle. I've always had a very sensitive intuition and empathy, with people especially, so I tend to think that is responsible.
But one thing I can never tell is when someone is attracted to me. I have lived on this earth for nearly 27 years so I'm sure that it has happened a few times along the line. The only times I've ever known was when a girl's friends explicitly told me. And that's only happened twice. Once in 5th grade, which really shouldn't count. And once in college, where the feeling was not mutual and we still managed to be "dating without the good stuff" for about two years. So yea...
Now, it is important to mention here that I've pursued other girls. And it's also important to mention that I'm batting .000 in that category. Not one of the girls I've pursued has reciprocated my feelings at all. So just like a batter who is batting .000 in a baseball season, it starts to get in your head after a while. My self confidence is low enough that it's become an incredible mental struggle to even convince myself that someone I'm interested could feel the same way about me. Not even necessarily that they do now, but that they could, someday, actually be interested in me too. And when your self confidence is that fragile, it's pretty near impossible to drag your bat back up to the plate to try again. It doesn't matter what my logical brain says. Emotionally, I'm just not capable of that level of self belief.
But even with all my own broken brain and self confidence issues, the biggest factor working against me is history. So here's thing I've never told anyone number two. Historically, I can consistently tell when a girl is about to enter into a relationship. And the way that I can tell this is that I really think she might be into me. It's 100%, never fails. I think a wire must have been crossed at some point. Maybe it really is pheromones and I'm picking up on the feelings she has for the other guy? Seems plausible enough.
I have gotten to the point where I can at least logically discern that when I think a girl who I have little to know interaction with might be interested in me, she's definitely pining after someone else. So at least I'm not actually fooled as easily anymore. But the point being that, historically whenever I've thought a girl might be into me, she's been into someone else. So today, every time I think that a girl might be into me, and I can somehow manage to overcome my self doubt/batting average and convince myself that I may be reading it right, I have this little factoid staring me in the face and reminding me that it's almost certainly someone else.
So there it is, the great paradox of my life. I can sense these things for other people but I can't sense it for me to save my life. Am I destined to live alone or will I find a solution to this conundrum?
Of course the easy answer is to just ask girls when I think there is something between us. But as I said before, it just gets harder every time I strike out. At least in the batter's box, I can hold on to the hope that this time will be different. Then, eventually, I am called out for not stepping up to the plate at all, and I'm in the same place either way. But logic doesn't get the final say and my heart is cowardly. I pray God can teach it to be brave.
Thing I've never told anyone before number 1. I can sense, almost immediately, when a guy is interested in a girl. That moment where "I think she's cute" becomes "I'd like to date her" is as clear as a light bulb physically going off over their head to me. It's not anything about body language, or any kind of conscious thing. I just can sense it, from across the room even. Like their soul is crying out and I can hear it. It catches my attention without even needing to be looking sometimes.
Maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's telepathy. Maybe it's some kind of premonition, sixth sense kind of thing. But it's very real. I can also usually tell when a girl is into a guy, though it usually isn't as quick. Maybe women are more subtle. I've always had a very sensitive intuition and empathy, with people especially, so I tend to think that is responsible.
But one thing I can never tell is when someone is attracted to me. I have lived on this earth for nearly 27 years so I'm sure that it has happened a few times along the line. The only times I've ever known was when a girl's friends explicitly told me. And that's only happened twice. Once in 5th grade, which really shouldn't count. And once in college, where the feeling was not mutual and we still managed to be "dating without the good stuff" for about two years. So yea...
Now, it is important to mention here that I've pursued other girls. And it's also important to mention that I'm batting .000 in that category. Not one of the girls I've pursued has reciprocated my feelings at all. So just like a batter who is batting .000 in a baseball season, it starts to get in your head after a while. My self confidence is low enough that it's become an incredible mental struggle to even convince myself that someone I'm interested could feel the same way about me. Not even necessarily that they do now, but that they could, someday, actually be interested in me too. And when your self confidence is that fragile, it's pretty near impossible to drag your bat back up to the plate to try again. It doesn't matter what my logical brain says. Emotionally, I'm just not capable of that level of self belief.
But even with all my own broken brain and self confidence issues, the biggest factor working against me is history. So here's thing I've never told anyone number two. Historically, I can consistently tell when a girl is about to enter into a relationship. And the way that I can tell this is that I really think she might be into me. It's 100%, never fails. I think a wire must have been crossed at some point. Maybe it really is pheromones and I'm picking up on the feelings she has for the other guy? Seems plausible enough.
I have gotten to the point where I can at least logically discern that when I think a girl who I have little to know interaction with might be interested in me, she's definitely pining after someone else. So at least I'm not actually fooled as easily anymore. But the point being that, historically whenever I've thought a girl might be into me, she's been into someone else. So today, every time I think that a girl might be into me, and I can somehow manage to overcome my self doubt/batting average and convince myself that I may be reading it right, I have this little factoid staring me in the face and reminding me that it's almost certainly someone else.
So there it is, the great paradox of my life. I can sense these things for other people but I can't sense it for me to save my life. Am I destined to live alone or will I find a solution to this conundrum?
Of course the easy answer is to just ask girls when I think there is something between us. But as I said before, it just gets harder every time I strike out. At least in the batter's box, I can hold on to the hope that this time will be different. Then, eventually, I am called out for not stepping up to the plate at all, and I'm in the same place either way. But logic doesn't get the final say and my heart is cowardly. I pray God can teach it to be brave.
21.11.12
Challenge Failed: Dang, I missed one
Oops. Looks like I missed a post yesterday. Disappointing. Oh well, back in the saddle.
Yesterday was a busy day for me. We threw together a Thanksgiving party for the people that are working on Thursday and won't be able to have a proper dinner that day. So I spent the entire day cooking with hostess extraordinaire Ali Williams.
Monday night, I found out that I was supposed to have been invited to this event but my text message got "lost in the mail" as it were. Ali's text have had trouble finding my phone in the past (now I wonder what other texts I've missed) so it wasn't terribly surprising. I had heard that it was a possibility and had left my schedule open for it, but it was still nice to have it confirmed finally. And since neither of us had gotten the food we were supposed to be bringing to the dinner yet, we resolved to go on a late night shopping run together.
Long story short, what started as "get the missing ingredients for the chicken & dumplings" and me getting a couple cans of corn turned into 7 dishes, pie (store bought), whipped cream and gravy. Because I felt somewhat responsible for allowing Ali to take on that many additional dishes to prepare (and frankly encouraged it more than a few times), I offered to help her with the cooking. She gratefully accepted as I think her excitement had gotten a bit ahead of her during the shopping.
It was quite an experience. Ali had been buzzed on Red Bull when we were shopping so she had stayed up, after she got home, working on a plan to get everything done and out the door on time for the dinner. She went through... must have been 5 or 6 rough drafts before settling on a final plan. With the two hour cooking session planned down to the minute, we were ready to start. Very ready even.
In hindsight, I can't imagine her attempting to do that cooking session on her own. I'm sure she could have pulled it off but it would have taken her a lot more time and a LOT more work. As the assistant, I mostly took on menial tasks that allowed her to stay focused on the big picture and the dishes I have no idea how to make (mostly the sweet potato casserole and chicken and dumplings, both from scratch). I mostly was just cleaning dishes, slicing veggies, setting out rolls on the baking sheet, etc.
When it was all said and done, we figured we had enough food that we could have put on our own thanksgiving feast by ourselves. Not only had we gotten everything made, but we got it done precisely on schedule as well. We put those sitcom Thanksgivings to shame. Go team!
Dinner was a great time and everyone loved the food we made, which is always the greatest reward for two hours in a kitchen. I enjoy cooking but rarely get the chance to cook for people (which is way more rewarding than cooking for myself or for leftovers) so I was very happy about that. I was pretty tired after all the cooking and subsequent eating of food, so I wasn't much for conversation after dinner unfortunately (if I had a dollar for every person that asked if I was ok after dinner, I would have been able to cover my costs for the night). I was fine, I was just digesting and wanted to do it quietly while watching a movie. Something that's hard to do when the movie is muted and there's 30 people talking everywhere. But I digress.
I realized yesterday that, as much as it sucks being away from family for Thanksgiving (again), it's a cool opportunity to try different dishes and traditions that are not a part of my upbringing. I got to try my hand at cooking a lot of new dishes that I've never attempted before and eat some others. It was a great day all around.
Yesterday was a busy day for me. We threw together a Thanksgiving party for the people that are working on Thursday and won't be able to have a proper dinner that day. So I spent the entire day cooking with hostess extraordinaire Ali Williams.
Monday night, I found out that I was supposed to have been invited to this event but my text message got "lost in the mail" as it were. Ali's text have had trouble finding my phone in the past (now I wonder what other texts I've missed) so it wasn't terribly surprising. I had heard that it was a possibility and had left my schedule open for it, but it was still nice to have it confirmed finally. And since neither of us had gotten the food we were supposed to be bringing to the dinner yet, we resolved to go on a late night shopping run together.
Long story short, what started as "get the missing ingredients for the chicken & dumplings" and me getting a couple cans of corn turned into 7 dishes, pie (store bought), whipped cream and gravy. Because I felt somewhat responsible for allowing Ali to take on that many additional dishes to prepare (and frankly encouraged it more than a few times), I offered to help her with the cooking. She gratefully accepted as I think her excitement had gotten a bit ahead of her during the shopping.
It was quite an experience. Ali had been buzzed on Red Bull when we were shopping so she had stayed up, after she got home, working on a plan to get everything done and out the door on time for the dinner. She went through... must have been 5 or 6 rough drafts before settling on a final plan. With the two hour cooking session planned down to the minute, we were ready to start. Very ready even.
In hindsight, I can't imagine her attempting to do that cooking session on her own. I'm sure she could have pulled it off but it would have taken her a lot more time and a LOT more work. As the assistant, I mostly took on menial tasks that allowed her to stay focused on the big picture and the dishes I have no idea how to make (mostly the sweet potato casserole and chicken and dumplings, both from scratch). I mostly was just cleaning dishes, slicing veggies, setting out rolls on the baking sheet, etc.
When it was all said and done, we figured we had enough food that we could have put on our own thanksgiving feast by ourselves. Not only had we gotten everything made, but we got it done precisely on schedule as well. We put those sitcom Thanksgivings to shame. Go team!
Dinner was a great time and everyone loved the food we made, which is always the greatest reward for two hours in a kitchen. I enjoy cooking but rarely get the chance to cook for people (which is way more rewarding than cooking for myself or for leftovers) so I was very happy about that. I was pretty tired after all the cooking and subsequent eating of food, so I wasn't much for conversation after dinner unfortunately (if I had a dollar for every person that asked if I was ok after dinner, I would have been able to cover my costs for the night). I was fine, I was just digesting and wanted to do it quietly while watching a movie. Something that's hard to do when the movie is muted and there's 30 people talking everywhere. But I digress.
I realized yesterday that, as much as it sucks being away from family for Thanksgiving (again), it's a cool opportunity to try different dishes and traditions that are not a part of my upbringing. I got to try my hand at cooking a lot of new dishes that I've never attempted before and eat some others. It was a great day all around.
19.11.12
The Challenges of Being an Introvert
That's right, you read that correctly. While many of my friends I've met out here may not be at all surprised to see me label myself as an introvert, anyone that's known me for more than one or two years knows that I'm as talkative as they come. To any new friends that may somehow stumble on this post; note that it's introvert, not shy. Let's talk about the distinction for a minute.
Introversion and Extroversion are not the same as shy and outgoing. They have to do with the way that the person processes their environment, emotions and thoughts. Sometimes they relate to what the person finds value in (i.e. going out and "partying" with no meaningful interaction vs. staying in or having a one on one conversation). Most, if not all, of the world's greatest thinkers have been introverted (guess which one most reality TV stars are...). They process their environment internally and consider it carefully. As a result, they are able to see and interpret stimuli differently than their extroverted counterparts. Naturally, they are much more satisfied in an empty room by themselves than an extrovert who would become quickly bored and under stimulated.
One of the challenges for introverts is that extroverts have a leg up in the reproduction game, as they are more apt to go out and meet people, are less likely to overthink themselves in social situations and so forth. As a result, scientists estimate that about 75% of the population is extroverted. And this means that society is geared towards extroverts. So while the extrovert may get bored from too little stimuli alone in an empty room, the introvert has the opposite response when forced into a overly stimulating environment by extroverts. Introverts tend to shut down in loud and crowded spaces, where there is simply too much happening for them to process. It's not a choice, it's just a natural reaction of an over active mind.
But extroverts, being unthoughtful and introspective, will often times assume that there must be something wrong with the introvert that he/she doesn't want to do the same things that the majority does. They will try to coax the "shy" introvert out of their "shell". This is about as effective as trying to coax a turtle to fly by the way, for those that have been on the other side of this. Introverts don't need the approval of the crowd to be content so peer pressure like that isn't usually effective anyways (to a certain extent, it is on young introverts that don't realize that there is not, in fact, something wrong with them, but that's another discussion).
But when put into an environment that is less stimulating, say a dinner party or a group of a few friends, introverts will often surprise people. They can be quite intelligent, well spoken and are often very insightful.
Ideally the world needs both to succeed as they both have important roles to play in history and society as a whole. Let's hope this generation of introverts can carry the torch of understanding to our extroverted brethren and keep the light of human reason and ingenuity shining for the next generation.
Introversion and Extroversion are not the same as shy and outgoing. They have to do with the way that the person processes their environment, emotions and thoughts. Sometimes they relate to what the person finds value in (i.e. going out and "partying" with no meaningful interaction vs. staying in or having a one on one conversation). Most, if not all, of the world's greatest thinkers have been introverted (guess which one most reality TV stars are...). They process their environment internally and consider it carefully. As a result, they are able to see and interpret stimuli differently than their extroverted counterparts. Naturally, they are much more satisfied in an empty room by themselves than an extrovert who would become quickly bored and under stimulated.
One of the challenges for introverts is that extroverts have a leg up in the reproduction game, as they are more apt to go out and meet people, are less likely to overthink themselves in social situations and so forth. As a result, scientists estimate that about 75% of the population is extroverted. And this means that society is geared towards extroverts. So while the extrovert may get bored from too little stimuli alone in an empty room, the introvert has the opposite response when forced into a overly stimulating environment by extroverts. Introverts tend to shut down in loud and crowded spaces, where there is simply too much happening for them to process. It's not a choice, it's just a natural reaction of an over active mind.
But extroverts, being unthoughtful and introspective, will often times assume that there must be something wrong with the introvert that he/she doesn't want to do the same things that the majority does. They will try to coax the "shy" introvert out of their "shell". This is about as effective as trying to coax a turtle to fly by the way, for those that have been on the other side of this. Introverts don't need the approval of the crowd to be content so peer pressure like that isn't usually effective anyways (to a certain extent, it is on young introverts that don't realize that there is not, in fact, something wrong with them, but that's another discussion).
But when put into an environment that is less stimulating, say a dinner party or a group of a few friends, introverts will often surprise people. They can be quite intelligent, well spoken and are often very insightful.
Ideally the world needs both to succeed as they both have important roles to play in history and society as a whole. Let's hope this generation of introverts can carry the torch of understanding to our extroverted brethren and keep the light of human reason and ingenuity shining for the next generation.
18.11.12
Losing Sight of Things
Listened to a particularly convicting sermon today in church. The pastor was preaching on Matthew 5:13, the verse about being the salt of the earth. It was a wildly appropriate way for me to close out what has been a less than stellar weekend emotionally.
I often have struggled with things out here in LA. I came out here to follow God's calling to reach this city and reach its people for Him. My goals within the industry are, and must remain, secondary to that. Yes, I need to be in this industry to reach it because it's an extremely cloistered group. But it's easy to lose sight of the overarching objective in all of this.
Christians are kind of seen as underdogs and weaklings (or worse) by most of this city and much of the country in general. And the truth is we have embraced that role. Or we've focused on pervading the public eye to change people's behavior (though not their hearts).
But Jesus sees us differently. The pastor pointed out something very important about this passage that is so obvious it sometimes goes unmentioned. He didn't say we should be the salt of the earth or that we could be if we live right. He says we "are" the salt of the earth. As he said in the sermon, "The God that said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light, has said to you, 'You're salt.'" So live like it.
Salt had many purposes in the ancient world but the three the pastor talked about today were preventing decay in meat, renewing soil for fertilization and adding flavor to food (something it's still widely used for). So no matter which way you look at it, it's a pretty vivid picture of how we are supposed to be salt in the world.
That's all I have for now, since I'm still kind of processing this wonderful sermon. I'll post up a link on here when it gets posted to their website. It's pretty compelling and I'll be listening to it several times in the coming week (and probably beyond).
*REALITY LA Sermon
I often have struggled with things out here in LA. I came out here to follow God's calling to reach this city and reach its people for Him. My goals within the industry are, and must remain, secondary to that. Yes, I need to be in this industry to reach it because it's an extremely cloistered group. But it's easy to lose sight of the overarching objective in all of this.
Christians are kind of seen as underdogs and weaklings (or worse) by most of this city and much of the country in general. And the truth is we have embraced that role. Or we've focused on pervading the public eye to change people's behavior (though not their hearts).
But Jesus sees us differently. The pastor pointed out something very important about this passage that is so obvious it sometimes goes unmentioned. He didn't say we should be the salt of the earth or that we could be if we live right. He says we "are" the salt of the earth. As he said in the sermon, "The God that said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light, has said to you, 'You're salt.'" So live like it.
Salt had many purposes in the ancient world but the three the pastor talked about today were preventing decay in meat, renewing soil for fertilization and adding flavor to food (something it's still widely used for). So no matter which way you look at it, it's a pretty vivid picture of how we are supposed to be salt in the world.
That's all I have for now, since I'm still kind of processing this wonderful sermon. I'll post up a link on here when it gets posted to their website. It's pretty compelling and I'll be listening to it several times in the coming week (and probably beyond).
*REALITY LA Sermon
17.11.12
Good for what ails ya
This morning I woke up in a deep funk. Just really sad and didn't want to do anything. Then I decided to give myself a break from my healthy eating and go to Burger King. For whatever reason, that turned my day around pretty good. I mean my stomach was not the happiest about the decision in the aftermath (I'm definitely losing my ability to eat at certain fast food restaurants without hearing about it after from my stomach). But somehow giving myself a break from the stress of calorie counting and self denial seemed to turn my entire day around.
There's not a whole lot to tell after that unfortunately. I'm sure I could come up with a lot more to talk about still but I'm tired now and don't really feel like it. Especially since I need to write another entry for this blog in like 12 hours.
Suffice it to say I had a fun, mildly productive day when all was said and done and leave it at that. Nothing terribly deep or profound worth mentioning. Today was kind of personified by that Burger King Rodeo Burger. Not terribly nutritious or fulfilling but I was still happy about it after.
There's not a whole lot to tell after that unfortunately. I'm sure I could come up with a lot more to talk about still but I'm tired now and don't really feel like it. Especially since I need to write another entry for this blog in like 12 hours.
Suffice it to say I had a fun, mildly productive day when all was said and done and leave it at that. Nothing terribly deep or profound worth mentioning. Today was kind of personified by that Burger King Rodeo Burger. Not terribly nutritious or fulfilling but I was still happy about it after.
16.11.12
That frustrating time in weight loss
It's a little known fact about muscles, unless you actually studied them like I did, that the first 6 weeks or so of any workout routine will yield no muscle growth. That's not to say that you will see no improvement in muscle performance during that time of course. But the first 6 weeks are primarily dedicated to improving the innervation of the muscles themselves. In layman's terms, that means that the nerves are becoming more efficient at working the muscle that is already there. It's not until about the 6 week mark that they have reached peak efficiency and your body seeks new ways to adapt to the continued stress you're putting on your muscles.
So at that point you begin to grow the muscles you have. And this creates a problem for losing weight. Because while you may continue slimming down and losing fat, you may find that your weight loss begins to flatten out or even reverse. Of course it's common knowledge that muscle weighs substantially more than fat so it shouldn't be a surprise really. But it's still disheartening to see your weight loss stagnate despite the continued hard work.
And that's where a lot of people, inevitably, lose their drive. They say, "Why should I keep busting my butt at the gym when I am not seeing the same weight loss I was just a couple weeks ago?" Then they eat a donut and go on with their day. And of course the pounds pile right back on because, another little known fact, fat cells don't just go away when you slim down, they shrink. They persist as smaller cells. It's not until about a year after you slim down that the fat cells are finally eliminated. Your body is efficient. It's not going to get rid of them when you might need them again later (and to be honest, most people seem to don't they?). This is, of course, the main problem with dieting to lose weight, but I don't want to get into that right now. Back to the working out thing...
When weight loss becomes more important than improving health, it creates all kinds of psychological barriers and problems. It's a challenge in our society where BMI (body mass index) has been applied to individual people, something it was never intended for. BMI is a source for many of the problems in our weight obsessed culture. It's because BMI is quantifiable and standard, where overall health is far less so.
And we, as a species, seem to be growing increasingly obsessed with the measurable and quantifiable. Aesthetics and arts are being pushed aside by standardization and uniformity. Efficiency is the name of the game in this world spinning faster and faster. And efficiency needs quantifiable measurements.
The problem is that humans, no matter how much science and biology text books would want to say otherwise, are not living machines. Even most doctors will tell you that medicine is more of an art than a science at times (or even just a game of blind darts, as anyone that has gone to a physician and been given a shrug and prescription for general antibiotics can testify to). Despite all the advances in medicine the last 100 years, we still know so little about it.
Our society is broken and not to listen to anything but this. Healthy diet and exercise are always working in your favor. Even when the scale says otherwise. Even when the BMI says you're "overweight" or even "obese" (especially then actually). Keep working and keep eating healthy. You'll be happier for it in the end (and there is all kinds of brain chemistry and health science to support this, but I won't bore you with it now).
All this is to say simply: eat healthy(ish) and exercise regularly and you'll have a better life. And don't give up.
So at that point you begin to grow the muscles you have. And this creates a problem for losing weight. Because while you may continue slimming down and losing fat, you may find that your weight loss begins to flatten out or even reverse. Of course it's common knowledge that muscle weighs substantially more than fat so it shouldn't be a surprise really. But it's still disheartening to see your weight loss stagnate despite the continued hard work.
And that's where a lot of people, inevitably, lose their drive. They say, "Why should I keep busting my butt at the gym when I am not seeing the same weight loss I was just a couple weeks ago?" Then they eat a donut and go on with their day. And of course the pounds pile right back on because, another little known fact, fat cells don't just go away when you slim down, they shrink. They persist as smaller cells. It's not until about a year after you slim down that the fat cells are finally eliminated. Your body is efficient. It's not going to get rid of them when you might need them again later (and to be honest, most people seem to don't they?). This is, of course, the main problem with dieting to lose weight, but I don't want to get into that right now. Back to the working out thing...
When weight loss becomes more important than improving health, it creates all kinds of psychological barriers and problems. It's a challenge in our society where BMI (body mass index) has been applied to individual people, something it was never intended for. BMI is a source for many of the problems in our weight obsessed culture. It's because BMI is quantifiable and standard, where overall health is far less so.
And we, as a species, seem to be growing increasingly obsessed with the measurable and quantifiable. Aesthetics and arts are being pushed aside by standardization and uniformity. Efficiency is the name of the game in this world spinning faster and faster. And efficiency needs quantifiable measurements.
The problem is that humans, no matter how much science and biology text books would want to say otherwise, are not living machines. Even most doctors will tell you that medicine is more of an art than a science at times (or even just a game of blind darts, as anyone that has gone to a physician and been given a shrug and prescription for general antibiotics can testify to). Despite all the advances in medicine the last 100 years, we still know so little about it.
Our society is broken and not to listen to anything but this. Healthy diet and exercise are always working in your favor. Even when the scale says otherwise. Even when the BMI says you're "overweight" or even "obese" (especially then actually). Keep working and keep eating healthy. You'll be happier for it in the end (and there is all kinds of brain chemistry and health science to support this, but I won't bore you with it now).
All this is to say simply: eat healthy(ish) and exercise regularly and you'll have a better life. And don't give up.
15.11.12
What do I say?
Sometimes you have to do something and you don't really feel like doing it. But you get to work on it and hope that something positive can come out of it anyways. That is today's blog post.
I don't have a lot to say. All this posting every day seems to be using up all my stories really quickly. Maybe I just need to get out and live a little more? I don't know. But I feel totally dry today.
Maybe that's because I came up with a big idea yesterday and I'm focusing all my creative energy on that. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately and I'm getting tired. Maybe it's because Tim and Cory left and I feel sad. Maybe it's because I'm distracted by other things happening in my life. Maybe I've just been listening to music that is too melancholy.
Whatever it is, I apologize in advance for not having anything interesting to say. Well, especially interesting at least.
Last night I had some homemade puppy chow (if you don't know what that is, I pity you). I don't know the last time I had it, but it was probably last Christmas season sometime, nearly 11 months ago. I ate a single piece, since I'm trying to cut back on sweets lately. But my reaction was unexpected.
You know how sometimes you'll be walking down the street and catch the scent of a stew that instantly triggers memories of nights at your grandma's? Or how when you smell a girl that wears the same perfume as your friend, you're flooded with nostalgia? Well that happened with taste. That puppy chow tasted like Christmas.
Maybe it was the proximity of Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm just feeling homesick on the tail end of my longest uninterrupted time away from my family yet. But the second I tasted that puppy chow I was back home in Minnesota, 4 years ago at the last Thanksgiving I spent with my family. Thanksgiving/Christmas I should say. Because my grandparents spend the winter in Arizona, my dad's side of the family celebrates Christmas at the same time as Thanksgiving. After a big Thanksgiving dinner, we put a tree and spend the evening by the fire, doing crafts, playing games and putting up Christmas decorations. And eating Christmas treats. We snack on all kinds of holliday treats, pies, cakes, popcorn, my grandma's mint cookies... and of course, puppy chow.
Then I was back, at the home of my Bible study leader and his family. A lovely place, to be sure. But thousands of miles (and several years) away from where I really wanted to be.
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm just still sad from that.
I don't have a lot to say. All this posting every day seems to be using up all my stories really quickly. Maybe I just need to get out and live a little more? I don't know. But I feel totally dry today.
Maybe that's because I came up with a big idea yesterday and I'm focusing all my creative energy on that. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately and I'm getting tired. Maybe it's because Tim and Cory left and I feel sad. Maybe it's because I'm distracted by other things happening in my life. Maybe I've just been listening to music that is too melancholy.
Whatever it is, I apologize in advance for not having anything interesting to say. Well, especially interesting at least.
Last night I had some homemade puppy chow (if you don't know what that is, I pity you). I don't know the last time I had it, but it was probably last Christmas season sometime, nearly 11 months ago. I ate a single piece, since I'm trying to cut back on sweets lately. But my reaction was unexpected.
You know how sometimes you'll be walking down the street and catch the scent of a stew that instantly triggers memories of nights at your grandma's? Or how when you smell a girl that wears the same perfume as your friend, you're flooded with nostalgia? Well that happened with taste. That puppy chow tasted like Christmas.
Maybe it was the proximity of Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm just feeling homesick on the tail end of my longest uninterrupted time away from my family yet. But the second I tasted that puppy chow I was back home in Minnesota, 4 years ago at the last Thanksgiving I spent with my family. Thanksgiving/Christmas I should say. Because my grandparents spend the winter in Arizona, my dad's side of the family celebrates Christmas at the same time as Thanksgiving. After a big Thanksgiving dinner, we put a tree and spend the evening by the fire, doing crafts, playing games and putting up Christmas decorations. And eating Christmas treats. We snack on all kinds of holliday treats, pies, cakes, popcorn, my grandma's mint cookies... and of course, puppy chow.
Then I was back, at the home of my Bible study leader and his family. A lovely place, to be sure. But thousands of miles (and several years) away from where I really wanted to be.
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm just still sad from that.
14.11.12
Where do your ideas come from?
It's an age old question. I'm sure non-creative people have asked this of artists and creatives for centuries. Millenia even. And while I'm equally sure that I can't answer that question any better than they could, I have decided to at least discuss it here today.
I think it's probably typical for humans to be curious about something they have no understanding of. Human curiosity is a wonderful thing and has led our culture/society to where it is. It's probably one of the greatest attributes we have as a species. So it's no surprise to me that people who aren't especially creative (I ascribe to the idea that every human is creative, just some more than others) would be curious about what drives the creativity of another.
I've been asked the question myself, or variations of it, several times this year alone. The dirty little secret, of course, is that we don't really know either. We know that it happens. We can sometimes know what our thoughts were at the moment the inspiration struck us. But we can only guess as to the source.
Now don't get me wrong. There's hundreds of self help books and "actualization seminars" that can "teach" you to be more creative. They claim to have all the answers because it's good for business of course. For some it even helps. But they aren't handing out road maps that will change every Tom, Dick and Harry into William Shakespeare. Think of it like going to a sports camp as a kid. If you focus and really apply what you learn, you can improve on your skill level. But there's always that one kid that was just gifted more ability than you could ever hope to cultivate. Some people just know their way through the woods.
It's not some formulaic path. Sure, there are tricks and methods that anyone can use to boost their creativity. But it's not science. Those methods don't work the same for anybody and they don't work at all for some. In my experience, the Greek concept of a "muse" may be the most accurate idea out there.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, the Nine Muses of the Greek Mythology were deities that gave artists, philosophers and individuals the necessary inspiration for creation. While I don't ascribe to the Greek religious beliefs, I often feel like my inspiration comes from an outside source. Sometimes when I write, or create anything for that matter, it feels like the end product already exists somewhere and I'm just chipping away until the end product reveals itself in the end. It's this almost spiritual experience at times.
Of course in my experience I attribute the encounter to God. But the Greeks didn't have the same religious beliefs I have so it's completely understandable that someone writing in ancient Greece would attribute the experience to their own religious practices. But when an idea comes to you that's outside of your own normal inner consciousness, you recognize it. Like in Inception, your mind can recognize something that is from an outside source.
It's worth mentioning that not every thing I create is inspired to that degree. But when I'm truly inspired and the creativity is flowing easily, that's the case.
But then maybe it's a subconscious thing and it just feels like it's from somewhere else? Who can know for sure? But I'm glad I'm a creative and am able to be the one on the receiving end of the question instead of the one asking it. Even if I don't think I'll ever have a real answer.
I think it's probably typical for humans to be curious about something they have no understanding of. Human curiosity is a wonderful thing and has led our culture/society to where it is. It's probably one of the greatest attributes we have as a species. So it's no surprise to me that people who aren't especially creative (I ascribe to the idea that every human is creative, just some more than others) would be curious about what drives the creativity of another.
I've been asked the question myself, or variations of it, several times this year alone. The dirty little secret, of course, is that we don't really know either. We know that it happens. We can sometimes know what our thoughts were at the moment the inspiration struck us. But we can only guess as to the source.
Now don't get me wrong. There's hundreds of self help books and "actualization seminars" that can "teach" you to be more creative. They claim to have all the answers because it's good for business of course. For some it even helps. But they aren't handing out road maps that will change every Tom, Dick and Harry into William Shakespeare. Think of it like going to a sports camp as a kid. If you focus and really apply what you learn, you can improve on your skill level. But there's always that one kid that was just gifted more ability than you could ever hope to cultivate. Some people just know their way through the woods.
It's not some formulaic path. Sure, there are tricks and methods that anyone can use to boost their creativity. But it's not science. Those methods don't work the same for anybody and they don't work at all for some. In my experience, the Greek concept of a "muse" may be the most accurate idea out there.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, the Nine Muses of the Greek Mythology were deities that gave artists, philosophers and individuals the necessary inspiration for creation. While I don't ascribe to the Greek religious beliefs, I often feel like my inspiration comes from an outside source. Sometimes when I write, or create anything for that matter, it feels like the end product already exists somewhere and I'm just chipping away until the end product reveals itself in the end. It's this almost spiritual experience at times.
Of course in my experience I attribute the encounter to God. But the Greeks didn't have the same religious beliefs I have so it's completely understandable that someone writing in ancient Greece would attribute the experience to their own religious practices. But when an idea comes to you that's outside of your own normal inner consciousness, you recognize it. Like in Inception, your mind can recognize something that is from an outside source.
It's worth mentioning that not every thing I create is inspired to that degree. But when I'm truly inspired and the creativity is flowing easily, that's the case.
But then maybe it's a subconscious thing and it just feels like it's from somewhere else? Who can know for sure? But I'm glad I'm a creative and am able to be the one on the receiving end of the question instead of the one asking it. Even if I don't think I'll ever have a real answer.
13.11.12
I'm rubber and you're glue...
Odds are you may think you know where I'm going with this. And I would bet money you're wrong. And I have no money.
The phrase in the title line is a well known children's rhyme for "dealing" with name calling. I say "dealing" because anyone that thinks rhyming is a good way to get back at a bully has never encountered an actual human being in their lives and shouldn't be allowed to speak to them. But the basic idea is that the hurtful words thrown a child's way bounce right off ("like water off a ducks back" as anoher saying goes). Then they somehow stick back on the person saying them, which is stupid and not helpful (so then the child is taught that the hurtful words should be directed back on the bully him/herself, which just begets another endless cycle of hurtfulness when the real answer should be love and kindness, but I digress...).
Well in this case, I'm actually taking it in the opposite direction. For me, the "water off a duck's back" applies to the kind words more. When someone tries to compliment me, it just bounces off me as if the childhood rhyme were practical.
When someone says something complimentary to me, I generally shrug it off without a second thought as someone "just being nice" or even being intentionally flattering, which just makes me suspicious. And sometimes I'm sure that is the case and my reaction is probably justified. But at some point along the line I became unable to distinguish between the two (maybe I never could?) and stopped making the distinction between flattery and actual admiration.
The problem is I just don't believe it. Maybe I'm just too much of a realist to believe things I know aren't true? Strangely though, even if it's something that I do believe about myself, I have a difficult time believing that someone else sees that same thing in me. Of all the things I'm going to discuss in this entry, this one perplexes me the most. When someone tells me something that I believe to be true about myself, I doubt their view/honesty/motivation to the point where I don't even believe it because someone else said it. Actually, that's all the further I'm going to discuss it because I just have no ideas on that one. Just chalking that up to my brain being broken.
Anyways, in short, if you're reading this and have ever said something nice to me, it's almost certain that I've immediately blown it off and forgotten about it before you finished talking. If you were being serious, I'm sorry. It's not something I really have control over. I try to but it's possible that I just never will.
As you can imagine, this creates challenges for me psychologically and with my own self image (although the self image may be more of a chicken/egg situation, as it's possible my poor self image was why I stopped believing nice things people said about me in the first place...). They say that it takes seven positive statements to balance out one negative statement in the human mind. While there has probably never been a less scientific theory produced by psychology in it's short history, we have little else to go on so let's just imagine that's true. Now consider the uphill battle I have when my broken brain only accepts maybe 1/10th of the compliments thrown my way (the actual percentage is fluid, but this is a rough average). That would mean I'd need 70 positive comments to balance out just one negative comment. Combine that with the number of negative statements my brain is able to generate on its own and it starts to become amazing that I can function at all (again, the science is shady, but you get the point).
The thing is I don't want someone to say something nice because society or their upbringing dictates that they should. I don't want you to say something because you think it will make me feel good to hear it (I know what you're doing and it doesn't work so don't bother). I want it to be sincere. I want it to be honest. I want it to be serious. Too many times that isn't the case and that ruins it when it is.
I am very careful and conservative with my compliments and I expect the same in return. I don't compliment someone on something unless I really mean it. I give it a lot of thought before I compliment someone. Probably more than is reasonable for something that should be pretty innocuous. But I think it's a response to my own hangups. I want my words to really mean something; to actually make the impact they're intended to make. If my mouth is full of meaningless and flattering words, then I'm like the boy who cried, "Nice haircut". No one can know for sure if I really mean what I say and everything I say loses it's impact as a result.
Now I am not so vain as to imagine that I'm alone in this (hopefully someone else who experiences this happens upon this post and it helps them). Maybe that's why I've never really talked about it. Maybe it's because I don't want pity or concern from people because that would just feel even more forced and insincere to me. Either way, I'd prefer not to acknowledge this subject and avoid trying to read into your concern all together.
So how can you, the reader, use this useful information about my broken psyche? Well when it comes to reaching me, remember the old writing adage: Show don't tell. Or for laypeople: Actions speak louder than words. If you want to compliment me or make me feel good, do something. Your words won't mean much if they even get through at all. But I'm still motivated by actions friends have taken for me more than 10 years ago.Those things break through and stick to the secret layer of glue under my rubber (that sounds kind of gross, bad analogy this time). They may not be as specific, but they still affirm who I am as a human being in ways words just can't seem to do.
Well there's my little dose of honesty and vulnerability for the night. Hopefully this helps you (all 3 of you that actually read this blog) understand me and why I'm the way that I am a little better.
The phrase in the title line is a well known children's rhyme for "dealing" with name calling. I say "dealing" because anyone that thinks rhyming is a good way to get back at a bully has never encountered an actual human being in their lives and shouldn't be allowed to speak to them. But the basic idea is that the hurtful words thrown a child's way bounce right off ("like water off a ducks back" as anoher saying goes). Then they somehow stick back on the person saying them, which is stupid and not helpful (so then the child is taught that the hurtful words should be directed back on the bully him/herself, which just begets another endless cycle of hurtfulness when the real answer should be love and kindness, but I digress...).
Well in this case, I'm actually taking it in the opposite direction. For me, the "water off a duck's back" applies to the kind words more. When someone tries to compliment me, it just bounces off me as if the childhood rhyme were practical.
When someone says something complimentary to me, I generally shrug it off without a second thought as someone "just being nice" or even being intentionally flattering, which just makes me suspicious. And sometimes I'm sure that is the case and my reaction is probably justified. But at some point along the line I became unable to distinguish between the two (maybe I never could?) and stopped making the distinction between flattery and actual admiration.
The problem is I just don't believe it. Maybe I'm just too much of a realist to believe things I know aren't true? Strangely though, even if it's something that I do believe about myself, I have a difficult time believing that someone else sees that same thing in me. Of all the things I'm going to discuss in this entry, this one perplexes me the most. When someone tells me something that I believe to be true about myself, I doubt their view/honesty/motivation to the point where I don't even believe it because someone else said it. Actually, that's all the further I'm going to discuss it because I just have no ideas on that one. Just chalking that up to my brain being broken.
Anyways, in short, if you're reading this and have ever said something nice to me, it's almost certain that I've immediately blown it off and forgotten about it before you finished talking. If you were being serious, I'm sorry. It's not something I really have control over. I try to but it's possible that I just never will.
As you can imagine, this creates challenges for me psychologically and with my own self image (although the self image may be more of a chicken/egg situation, as it's possible my poor self image was why I stopped believing nice things people said about me in the first place...). They say that it takes seven positive statements to balance out one negative statement in the human mind. While there has probably never been a less scientific theory produced by psychology in it's short history, we have little else to go on so let's just imagine that's true. Now consider the uphill battle I have when my broken brain only accepts maybe 1/10th of the compliments thrown my way (the actual percentage is fluid, but this is a rough average). That would mean I'd need 70 positive comments to balance out just one negative comment. Combine that with the number of negative statements my brain is able to generate on its own and it starts to become amazing that I can function at all (again, the science is shady, but you get the point).
The thing is I don't want someone to say something nice because society or their upbringing dictates that they should. I don't want you to say something because you think it will make me feel good to hear it (I know what you're doing and it doesn't work so don't bother). I want it to be sincere. I want it to be honest. I want it to be serious. Too many times that isn't the case and that ruins it when it is.
I am very careful and conservative with my compliments and I expect the same in return. I don't compliment someone on something unless I really mean it. I give it a lot of thought before I compliment someone. Probably more than is reasonable for something that should be pretty innocuous. But I think it's a response to my own hangups. I want my words to really mean something; to actually make the impact they're intended to make. If my mouth is full of meaningless and flattering words, then I'm like the boy who cried, "Nice haircut". No one can know for sure if I really mean what I say and everything I say loses it's impact as a result.
Now I am not so vain as to imagine that I'm alone in this (hopefully someone else who experiences this happens upon this post and it helps them). Maybe that's why I've never really talked about it. Maybe it's because I don't want pity or concern from people because that would just feel even more forced and insincere to me. Either way, I'd prefer not to acknowledge this subject and avoid trying to read into your concern all together.
So how can you, the reader, use this useful information about my broken psyche? Well when it comes to reaching me, remember the old writing adage: Show don't tell. Or for laypeople: Actions speak louder than words. If you want to compliment me or make me feel good, do something. Your words won't mean much if they even get through at all. But I'm still motivated by actions friends have taken for me more than 10 years ago.Those things break through and stick to the secret layer of glue under my rubber (that sounds kind of gross, bad analogy this time). They may not be as specific, but they still affirm who I am as a human being in ways words just can't seem to do.
Well there's my little dose of honesty and vulnerability for the night. Hopefully this helps you (all 3 of you that actually read this blog) understand me and why I'm the way that I am a little better.
12.11.12
AAANNNNDDDD.....
We didn't get nominated. Such is life. We're the new kids on the block and no one has heard of us so it's not that surprising really (all the nominees in animation had 400k to 1.5m views on their episodes and one of them was even created by Tom Hanks, so a bit of a David/Goliath situation for us). I imagine with the number of submissions that the nominators couldn't take the time to watch through all the stuff they hadn't heard of. I'm not taking it as a knock against our show because I still believe our quality was on par with the stuff that was nominated ahead of us.
That said, we were kind of outgunned. I think the web is quickly losing its identity as a place for independent productions. Lots of big names and production companies were up for consideration, many garnering nods. And that's not even counting shows like "Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome" (a SyFy original series) or "Forward Unto Dawn" (A Halo sponsored series) that won't be eligible until next years awards, but are blowing the standard for web content even higher with their incredible production value.
When you're a baby web series going up against 10 year old Red vs Blue and Tom Hanks in animation, and Jane Espenson (Battlestar Galactica, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gilmore Girls) in writing, which we felt were our strongest chances, I don't know if we can realistically hope to compete without at least a larger awareness of the show.
We still have the Machinima festival coming up and that's the bigger deal for us anyways. We feel stronger about our chances of being accepted there too. The Machinima festival could lead to the exposure we've been sorely hoping for since we launched. We should be hearing back on that at some point in the next couple weeks so keep us in your prayers.
We're gonna keep getting better and hopefully we can release the second season in time to submit for next years awards. Maybe they'll have heard of us by then.
That said, we were kind of outgunned. I think the web is quickly losing its identity as a place for independent productions. Lots of big names and production companies were up for consideration, many garnering nods. And that's not even counting shows like "Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome" (a SyFy original series) or "Forward Unto Dawn" (A Halo sponsored series) that won't be eligible until next years awards, but are blowing the standard for web content even higher with their incredible production value.
When you're a baby web series going up against 10 year old Red vs Blue and Tom Hanks in animation, and Jane Espenson (Battlestar Galactica, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gilmore Girls) in writing, which we felt were our strongest chances, I don't know if we can realistically hope to compete without at least a larger awareness of the show.
We still have the Machinima festival coming up and that's the bigger deal for us anyways. We feel stronger about our chances of being accepted there too. The Machinima festival could lead to the exposure we've been sorely hoping for since we launched. We should be hearing back on that at some point in the next couple weeks so keep us in your prayers.
We're gonna keep getting better and hopefully we can release the second season in time to submit for next years awards. Maybe they'll have heard of us by then.
11.11.12
In under the buzzer
Almost forgot to post today. Not a lot to say tonight really.
My mind is mostly focused on one thing: the impending announcement of the IAWTV Award nominees tomorrow. My head races with the possibilities. Which is dizzying because there's really only two; we got nominated or we didn't. And that result isn't going to change in the next 24 hours, I'm just going to find out.
I imagine this might be similar to how it feels when one is waiting for a pregnancy test. Ok, so a significantly watered down version of that. But you know what I mean. The test takes a few minutes to give a result. But you're already pregnant or you're not. Your fate is decided, you're just waiting to be clued into it.
These awards could be big for us. Not as big as getting into the Machinima Film Festival that I mentioned before. But big nonetheless. It would instantly validate SAB on my resume as "an award nominated web series". That, in turn, instantly makes me more marketable. Not only that, the awards are a good chance to get exposure within the burgeoning web television industry and potentially meet some influential people.
So I sit on my hands (not literally, or this would be really hard to type) and wait. In a way it's nice not having a specific time when I should expect news, because that would put a lot of pressure on a specific moment right beforehand. But at the same time, now I'll just be hitting refresh on my browser all morning and afternoon until I get news.
I've been becoming increasingly worthless as this day has drawn closer. I was kind of joking about hitting refresh all day, but now I think that may actually be what happens. I have a hard time thinking of anything else right now. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go look at pictures of puppies...
My mind is mostly focused on one thing: the impending announcement of the IAWTV Award nominees tomorrow. My head races with the possibilities. Which is dizzying because there's really only two; we got nominated or we didn't. And that result isn't going to change in the next 24 hours, I'm just going to find out.
I imagine this might be similar to how it feels when one is waiting for a pregnancy test. Ok, so a significantly watered down version of that. But you know what I mean. The test takes a few minutes to give a result. But you're already pregnant or you're not. Your fate is decided, you're just waiting to be clued into it.
These awards could be big for us. Not as big as getting into the Machinima Film Festival that I mentioned before. But big nonetheless. It would instantly validate SAB on my resume as "an award nominated web series". That, in turn, instantly makes me more marketable. Not only that, the awards are a good chance to get exposure within the burgeoning web television industry and potentially meet some influential people.
So I sit on my hands (not literally, or this would be really hard to type) and wait. In a way it's nice not having a specific time when I should expect news, because that would put a lot of pressure on a specific moment right beforehand. But at the same time, now I'll just be hitting refresh on my browser all morning and afternoon until I get news.
I've been becoming increasingly worthless as this day has drawn closer. I was kind of joking about hitting refresh all day, but now I think that may actually be what happens. I have a hard time thinking of anything else right now. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go look at pictures of puppies...
10.11.12
Object Permanence For Adults
There's a developmental phase in childhood where a child learns what's called "Object Permanence". It's what makes peek-a-boo so exciting. In the child's mind, it is literally like if you or I were watching a person teleport in and out of a room, directly in front of us. When you think of it like that, it's no wonder they get so excited about it. It's magic!
Then we grow up a bit and suddenly, it's not the same. It's just your mom putting her hands in front of her face. I mean we're still happy to see her, but she didn't go anywhere really. She's still there on the other side. That's object permanence; the idea that an object does not cease to exist just because it's out of sight.
I think as adults it's important to fully develop what I'm going to call "Emotional Object Permanence". The idea that emotions don't cease to exist just because you're not interacting with the person or seeing them every day.
Living away from home, it's something that I have to embrace. I know that my brothers and sister still love me, even when I don't see them for months. I am certain that my parents still love me like the day I was born, even if I don't hear from them for weeks. I believe that old friends recall our time together with the same frequency and fondness as I do.
Doubt is immature. Love is a risk. Sure there's always a chance that the person in question does not share your feelings. But that's the failing of their object permanence, not anything to do with you. So take that chance and hold on to your belief.
Don't be like an infant that is startled and surprised when something they thought was gone returns. Be an adult who understands that it still exists, even if it's not right in front of you. You may not feel their love for you all the time, but you can certainly remember your love for them. If you allow that your loved ones feel the same way about you as you do about them, it's easy.
Then we grow up a bit and suddenly, it's not the same. It's just your mom putting her hands in front of her face. I mean we're still happy to see her, but she didn't go anywhere really. She's still there on the other side. That's object permanence; the idea that an object does not cease to exist just because it's out of sight.
I think as adults it's important to fully develop what I'm going to call "Emotional Object Permanence". The idea that emotions don't cease to exist just because you're not interacting with the person or seeing them every day.
Living away from home, it's something that I have to embrace. I know that my brothers and sister still love me, even when I don't see them for months. I am certain that my parents still love me like the day I was born, even if I don't hear from them for weeks. I believe that old friends recall our time together with the same frequency and fondness as I do.
Doubt is immature. Love is a risk. Sure there's always a chance that the person in question does not share your feelings. But that's the failing of their object permanence, not anything to do with you. So take that chance and hold on to your belief.
Don't be like an infant that is startled and surprised when something they thought was gone returns. Be an adult who understands that it still exists, even if it's not right in front of you. You may not feel their love for you all the time, but you can certainly remember your love for them. If you allow that your loved ones feel the same way about you as you do about them, it's easy.
9.11.12
At it again
Well I'm making a second post in two days. So far so good I guess. I don't really know what this is going to be about yet, but I guess that's part of the fun of writing sometimes. Like I said, flow exercise.
So we managed to get the episode finished and submitted to Machinima.com on time. Apparently they are asking for thumbnails and video info from us, so I'm taking that as a good sign as well. This festival represents a huge opportunity for us. How huge? Machinima's network (over a dozen youtube channels) has over 41 BILLION channel views. So even if you don't know much about the site, there are those out there that do. And they watch a lot of youtube videos. And they are our target audience.
In short, if selected for this festival, this episode will literally be seen by hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of eyeballs. And some of those eyeballs will belong to powerful people. People that are looking for content for their properties (whether on the web or television). People that are looking for creatives to hire. This episode could be the key to this series really taking off in a big way.
I'm trying to stay reserved with this and keep my expectations down. We don't know yet if we're going to be accepted for this festival or not. But we feel proud of the episode we managed to create here for this and we think it's representative of our best work. We've done all we can control and put our best foot forward. Now we wait. Hopefully we will have an answer in the next week or two. The festival itself is scheduled to start on the 30th of November so certainly we should know before that. And when I find out, you'll be the first to know, internet.
In other news, I went to my first comedy show last night. It was pretty awesome all things considered. We knew a comic who got us comped tickets at the door and we knew a server that not only got us around the two drink minimum requirement, but also got us free drinks and food! So yea, hard to beat free. And the comedy wasn't half bad either. Went to The Ice House in Pasadena, which was the first stand up comedy club in America! So big deal. Good place to start I guess. They have contracts on the wall from George Carlin and Steve Martin who used to perform there weekly back in the 60's or 70's. So much history. I think I got a lot of insight for my stand up pilot I've been writing.
Anyways, I think that's good enough for today. Don't want to blow my best stuff this early now, do I? Gotta build to it and all. But I'll be back here tomorrow if you are.
So we managed to get the episode finished and submitted to Machinima.com on time. Apparently they are asking for thumbnails and video info from us, so I'm taking that as a good sign as well. This festival represents a huge opportunity for us. How huge? Machinima's network (over a dozen youtube channels) has over 41 BILLION channel views. So even if you don't know much about the site, there are those out there that do. And they watch a lot of youtube videos. And they are our target audience.
In short, if selected for this festival, this episode will literally be seen by hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of eyeballs. And some of those eyeballs will belong to powerful people. People that are looking for content for their properties (whether on the web or television). People that are looking for creatives to hire. This episode could be the key to this series really taking off in a big way.
I'm trying to stay reserved with this and keep my expectations down. We don't know yet if we're going to be accepted for this festival or not. But we feel proud of the episode we managed to create here for this and we think it's representative of our best work. We've done all we can control and put our best foot forward. Now we wait. Hopefully we will have an answer in the next week or two. The festival itself is scheduled to start on the 30th of November so certainly we should know before that. And when I find out, you'll be the first to know, internet.
In other news, I went to my first comedy show last night. It was pretty awesome all things considered. We knew a comic who got us comped tickets at the door and we knew a server that not only got us around the two drink minimum requirement, but also got us free drinks and food! So yea, hard to beat free. And the comedy wasn't half bad either. Went to The Ice House in Pasadena, which was the first stand up comedy club in America! So big deal. Good place to start I guess. They have contracts on the wall from George Carlin and Steve Martin who used to perform there weekly back in the 60's or 70's. So much history. I think I got a lot of insight for my stand up pilot I've been writing.
Anyways, I think that's good enough for today. Don't want to blow my best stuff this early now, do I? Gotta build to it and all. But I'll be back here tomorrow if you are.
8.11.12
Challenge Accepted
Hey! It's been so long! How have you, blah, blah, etc. Let's cut to the chase. A friend of mine is doing this "30 Days of Self Love" (get your minds out of the gutter people) on her blog and posting on her blog every day in an attempt at self affirmation and, well, love I guess. In honor of her dedication, or perhaps to satisfy my competitive nature, I have determined to attempt to post for 30 straight days as well. It's not going to be self love and affirmation posts though. More just an outward motivation to force myself to write something every day for a month than anything.
Truth is, I probably need this though. I've been in a bit of an unproductive funk the last week or two (or fifty). It happens to everyone from time to time I think. Getting stuck in a rut is hardly a new concept. But for whatever reason I've always been too comfortable in ruts. My motivation takes a nap and I just chill there until a tow truck comes to get me. It's not writer's block (which I don't believe in anyways) and it's not a loss of direction. I can still write and I still know where I'm going. It's just laziness and self indulgence. It's immaturity at it's finest.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I can make excuses all day. I'm a world class BS artist and I can run with the best of them (not literally of course, if I wanted to work that hard I wouldn't have to make stuff up). I think all writers are really, since we pull our entire career out of thin air. But sitting down here now, at this keyboard, I can cut through all of that and be honest with myself. Writing is, in many ways, a flow exercise for me. I'll often write things that don't come to my conscious mind when I'm not streaming my thoughts onto a page. For all my introspection I can be very un-self-aware.
The real question, of course, is why can I drag my butt to the gym 5-6 days a week but I can't manage to sit down at a computer and type for even 20 minutes? My laziness/procrastination has started to worry even myself lately. And that needs to stop. And I am hopeful that this exercise and external motivator will help me with that in a broader sense. So stay tuned and we will see if it works. The tow truck is taking too long and I'm gonna see if I can jump the car myself this time.
And for those of you that come here for Super Apartment Bros. updates, we are submitting a special episode for a film festival today (as in, within the next few hours). The episode represents a tremendous opportunity for exposure within the video game and machinima industries, as well as putting our product in front of (potentially) millions of eyeballs... *If we're accepted. So pray or think happy thoughts or whatever you do, because this could be huge!
Until tomorrow *insert catchphrase here*!
Truth is, I probably need this though. I've been in a bit of an unproductive funk the last week or two (or fifty). It happens to everyone from time to time I think. Getting stuck in a rut is hardly a new concept. But for whatever reason I've always been too comfortable in ruts. My motivation takes a nap and I just chill there until a tow truck comes to get me. It's not writer's block (which I don't believe in anyways) and it's not a loss of direction. I can still write and I still know where I'm going. It's just laziness and self indulgence. It's immaturity at it's finest.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I can make excuses all day. I'm a world class BS artist and I can run with the best of them (not literally of course, if I wanted to work that hard I wouldn't have to make stuff up). I think all writers are really, since we pull our entire career out of thin air. But sitting down here now, at this keyboard, I can cut through all of that and be honest with myself. Writing is, in many ways, a flow exercise for me. I'll often write things that don't come to my conscious mind when I'm not streaming my thoughts onto a page. For all my introspection I can be very un-self-aware.
The real question, of course, is why can I drag my butt to the gym 5-6 days a week but I can't manage to sit down at a computer and type for even 20 minutes? My laziness/procrastination has started to worry even myself lately. And that needs to stop. And I am hopeful that this exercise and external motivator will help me with that in a broader sense. So stay tuned and we will see if it works. The tow truck is taking too long and I'm gonna see if I can jump the car myself this time.
And for those of you that come here for Super Apartment Bros. updates, we are submitting a special episode for a film festival today (as in, within the next few hours). The episode represents a tremendous opportunity for exposure within the video game and machinima industries, as well as putting our product in front of (potentially) millions of eyeballs... *If we're accepted. So pray or think happy thoughts or whatever you do, because this could be huge!
Until tomorrow *insert catchphrase here*!
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