The Great Paradox

Time to get a little personal here. And some of this I've never told anyone before (I know that's kind of cliche, but I've never even considered talking to someone else about this). But I'm running out of friends who are close enough that I can talk to them about this stuff, so consider yourself fortunate that our paths have crossed here and now in this moment.

Thing I've never told anyone before number 1. I can sense, almost immediately, when a guy is interested in a girl. That moment where "I think she's cute" becomes "I'd like to date her" is as clear as a light bulb physically going off over their head to me. It's not anything about body language, or any kind of conscious thing. I just can sense it, from across the room even. Like their soul is crying out and I can hear it. It catches my attention without even needing to be looking sometimes.

Maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's telepathy. Maybe it's some kind of premonition, sixth sense kind of thing. But it's very real. I can also usually tell when a girl is into a guy, though it usually isn't as quick. Maybe women are more subtle. I've always had a very sensitive intuition and empathy, with people especially, so I tend to think that is responsible.

But one thing I can never tell is when someone is attracted to me. I have lived on this earth for nearly 27 years so I'm sure that it has happened a few times along the line. The only times I've ever known was when a girl's friends explicitly told me. And that's only happened twice. Once in 5th grade, which really shouldn't count. And once in college, where the feeling was not mutual and we still managed to be "dating without the good stuff" for about two years. So yea...

Now, it is important to mention here that I've pursued other girls. And it's also important to mention that I'm batting .000 in that category. Not one of the girls I've pursued has reciprocated my feelings at all. So just like a batter who is batting .000 in a baseball season, it starts to get in your head after a while. My self confidence is low enough that it's become an incredible mental struggle to even convince myself that someone I'm interested could feel the same way about me. Not even necessarily that they do now, but that they could, someday, actually be interested in me too. And when your self confidence is that fragile, it's pretty near impossible to drag your bat back up to the plate to try again. It doesn't matter what my logical brain says. Emotionally, I'm just not capable of that level of self belief.

But even with all my own broken brain and self confidence issues, the biggest factor working against me is history. So here's thing I've never told anyone number two. Historically, I can consistently tell when a girl is about to enter into a relationship. And the way that I can tell this is that I really think she might be into me. It's 100%, never fails. I think a wire must have been crossed at some point. Maybe it really is pheromones and I'm picking up on the feelings she has for the other guy? Seems plausible enough.

I have gotten to the point where I can at least logically discern that when I think a girl who I have little to know interaction with might be interested in me, she's definitely pining after someone else. So at least I'm not actually fooled as easily anymore. But the point being that, historically whenever I've thought a girl might be into me, she's been into someone else. So today, every time I think that a girl might be into me, and I can somehow manage to overcome my self doubt/batting average and convince myself that I may be reading it right, I have this little factoid staring me in the face and reminding me that it's almost certainly someone else.

So there it is, the great paradox of my life. I can sense these things for other people but I can't sense it for me to save my life. Am I destined to live alone or will I find a solution to this conundrum?

Of course the easy answer is to just ask girls when I think there is something between us. But as I said before, it just gets harder every time I strike out. At least in the batter's box, I can hold on to the hope that this time will be different. Then, eventually, I am called out for not stepping up to the plate at all, and I'm in the same place either way. But logic doesn't get the final say and my heart is cowardly. I pray God can teach it to be brave.