I'm rubber and you're glue...

Odds are you may think you know where I'm going with this. And I would bet money you're wrong. And I have no money.

The phrase in the title line is a well known children's rhyme for "dealing" with name calling. I say "dealing" because anyone that thinks rhyming is a good way to get back at a bully has never encountered an actual human being in their lives and shouldn't be allowed to speak to them. But the basic idea is that the hurtful words thrown a child's way bounce right off ("like water off a ducks back" as anoher saying goes). Then they somehow stick back on the person saying them, which is stupid and not helpful (so then the child is taught that the hurtful words should be directed back on the bully him/herself, which just begets another endless cycle of hurtfulness when the real answer should be love and kindness, but I digress...).

Well in this case, I'm actually taking it in the opposite direction. For me, the "water off a duck's back" applies to the kind words more. When someone tries to compliment me, it just bounces off me as if the childhood rhyme were practical.

When someone says something complimentary to me, I generally shrug it off without a second thought as someone "just being nice" or even being intentionally flattering, which just makes me suspicious. And sometimes I'm sure that is the case and my reaction is probably justified. But at some point along the line I became unable to distinguish between the two (maybe I never could?) and stopped making the distinction between flattery and actual admiration.

The problem is I just don't believe it. Maybe I'm just too much of a realist to believe things I know aren't true? Strangely though, even if it's something that I do believe about myself, I have a difficult time believing that someone else sees that same thing in me. Of all the things I'm going to discuss in this entry, this one perplexes me the most. When someone tells me something that I believe to be true about myself, I doubt their view/honesty/motivation to the point where I don't even believe it because someone else said it. Actually, that's all the further I'm going to discuss it because I just have no ideas on that one. Just chalking that up to my brain being broken.

Anyways, in short, if you're reading this and have ever said something nice to me, it's almost certain that I've immediately blown it off and forgotten about it before you finished talking. If you were being serious, I'm sorry. It's not something I really have control over. I try to but it's possible that I just never will.

As you can imagine, this creates challenges for me psychologically and with my own self image (although the self image may be more of a chicken/egg situation, as it's possible my poor self image was why I stopped believing nice things people said about me in the first place...). They say that it takes seven positive statements to balance out one negative statement in the human mind. While there has probably never been a less scientific theory produced by psychology in it's short history, we have little else to go on so let's just imagine that's true. Now consider the uphill battle I have when my broken brain only accepts maybe 1/10th of the compliments thrown my way (the actual percentage is fluid, but this is a rough average). That would mean I'd need 70 positive comments to balance out just one negative comment. Combine that with the number of negative statements my brain is able to generate on its own and it starts to become amazing that I can function at all (again, the science is shady, but you get the point).

The thing is I don't want someone to say something nice because society or their upbringing dictates that they should. I don't want you to say something because you think it will make me feel good to hear it (I know what you're doing and it doesn't work so don't bother). I want it to be sincere. I want it to be honest. I want it to be serious. Too many times that isn't the case and that ruins it when it is.

I am very careful and conservative with my compliments and I expect the same in return. I don't compliment someone on something unless I really mean it. I give it a lot of thought before I compliment someone. Probably more than is reasonable for something that should be pretty innocuous. But I think it's a response to my own hangups. I want my words to really mean something; to actually make the impact they're intended to make. If my mouth is full of meaningless and flattering words, then I'm like the boy who cried, "Nice haircut". No one can know for sure if I really mean what I say and everything I say loses it's impact as a result.

Now I am not so vain as to imagine that I'm alone in this (hopefully someone else who experiences this happens upon this post and it helps them). Maybe that's why I've never really talked about it. Maybe it's because I don't want pity or concern from people because that would just feel even more forced and insincere to me. Either way, I'd prefer not to acknowledge this subject and avoid trying to read into your concern all together.

So how can you, the reader, use this useful information about my broken psyche? Well when it comes to reaching me, remember the old writing adage: Show don't tell. Or for laypeople: Actions speak louder than words. If you want to compliment me or make me feel good, do something. Your words won't mean much if they even get through at all. But I'm still motivated by actions friends have taken for me more than 10 years ago.Those things break through and stick to the secret layer of glue under my rubber (that sounds kind of gross, bad analogy this time). They may not be as specific, but they still affirm who I am as a human being in ways words just can't seem to do.

Well there's my little dose of honesty and vulnerability for the night. Hopefully this helps you (all 3 of you that actually read this blog) understand me and why I'm the way that I am a little better.